The AF Rumble

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AF Rumble Pre-Show

PostPosted by Longshot » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:25 am

Welcome one and all to the pre-game show for the AF Rumble (brought to you by ILMH and Longshot), this is the FIRST place where you will learn who is participating and what they have to say. Please keep all discussion to the discussion thread. Otherwise, enjoy!



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Foxxc: (Quietly, almost to himself in contemplation.) Ah the AF Rumble. 30 men. One being me, makes 29. That is 58 arms. 58 legs. Each one with points that I will mangle, contort and twist to sites of immeasurable pain. I know where, and I know how. And as I cripple competitor after competitor, this will disable them from throwing me over the top.... leaving them at my will. And my will is pain. (Intensity picking up) Once any of the other 29 feel the clasp of the Foxx Trap, (almost yelling) they will regret the moment they agreed to enter the ring with the man who doesn't break holds, (yelling) BUT THE MAN WHO BREAKS LIMBS! (calmly, focused on the camera) I think that makes me a strong contender... (back to very calm) wouldn't you say?


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*The camera cuts in to show the Three Kings standing back to back to back facing in different directions and the camera is rotating around them as they speak*

IWND: The Three Kings are no more! No, we are not dissolving because we are now stronger than ever!

CrayZ: We are already triumpant because there are not Three Kings there are FOUR!

Rich0: We have been vexed lately. Vexed over the struggles we have endured and it is time we brought the power back where it belongs. And it is power only a King is fit to wield!

IWND: The Three Kings, while an incomparable force to say the least, have become stronger as we are bringing a hero, nay, a savior into the fold at the AF Rumble.

CrayZ: This savior will prove to be the final piece of the puzzle, he will be all that we could possibly be missing.

Rich0: To make a long story short, The Fourth King is the only person who could stand in our way, but instead, he is aligning with us and assuring that dominance is a thing only obtained by Royalty.

IWND: Ex
CrayZ: ILOVEMATTHARDY
Rich0: JohnnyAwesome
IWND: Bouny
CrayZ: IWillNotDie
Rich0: Jam
IWND: You will feel our wrath because...

*The camera splits screen to show all three faces*
Rich0, CrayZ, IWND: At the AF Rumble, Kings reign supreme!


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*The camera pans in on a generic green screen in the back where jeff_hardy is waiting to cut his promo in a red singlet*

jeff_hardy: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself, I am The Underscore, jeff_hardy... no, not that Jeff Hardy, you can tell because I didn't have to inform my parole officer before making an appearance here. Enough jocularity though. That's not what I am all about. I am about technically sound wrestling maneuvers. You see, you don't need all those flashy moves and all that glitzy attire. To make a real run in the AF Rumble, you need to execute all moves to perfection. I don't mean to be bragodocious, that is just how I wrestle. I have no quarrels with anyone, but I have no qualms about dropping another competitor via a vicious Scoop Slam or a high flying Double Drop Kick! So get ready because "Underscore" jeff_hardy has the fundamentals to win it all!


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*A brutish hulk of a man is seen smiling behind a middleweight man with an intense look on his face, the names appear on the screen as Jonny Awesome and Dcbandicoot*

Johnny Awesome: (excitedly) Here it is, mate! The AF Rumble! 28 guys and Team Awesome. It looks like this is our opportunity to really take part and do well with the top competition that AF has to offer!

Bando: (Forced) You said it buddy. I hope we win, but I know we'll be happy, as long as we..... ugh.... try our hardest.

Johnny: You said it! Because there's no better feeling than going 110 percent for something!

Bando: Hey, Johnny, can you go grab me a Fresca?

Johnny: Sure thing, mate! (Runs off to fetch Bando's beverage.)

Bando: Ok, now that he's gone, let me tell you bastards this. I will win. I will be the last man standing. I don't care if it's 29 one legged, starving little girls in my way, I WILL EAT THEIR HEARTS!

(Johnny comes back, handing a Fresca to Bando)

Bando: ... and that is why it's always important to practice good sportsmanship and excercise regularly. (intentionally dropping his Fresca) Oh darn it all to heck. I seem to have dropped my beverage, curse my butterfingers!

Johnny: (Enthusiastically), I am on it mate! A cloth and a Fresca, coming right up before you can say "Bob's your uncle!" (Runs off camera)

Bando: What a simp. It is my destiny to ride the shoulders of that sasquatch to the end of the AF Rumble and reign supreme, malevolently above all the deviants and losers that stand in my way. You will all feel my wrath if you stand in my path! (Johnny reenters) ...And that is how Johnny and I saved delicious orphans from a housefire.

Johnny: Did you say delicious?

Bando: No, I meant.... (pointing) Hey Johnny! look! A cat caught in a tree!

Johnny: (running off camera) Silly critter! I'll save it!

Bando: That cat is going to taste so fucking good.

(Johnny reenters)

Johnny: Blimey, Bando! We're late for volunteering at the homeless shelter!

Bando: Yes. Yes we are. So to close, (very forced) Team Awesome wishes everyone the best of luck coming up and we look forward to meeting you all and becoming the best of friends!

Johnny: (happily) You said it buddy!

*Johnny flexes in the background happily while Bando stares the camera down*


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Re: AF Rumble Pre-Show

PostPosted by ILOVEMATTHARDY » Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:39 am

*MKD is seen sitting in a dimly lit room, with MarvelousMe and Gangone standing on guard of either side of him*

MKD: The time has come for me and my flock. We will go into the ring, and eliminate conformist after conformist until it is just us three. We are the outcasts and we are the misunderstood. And come the AF Rumble, they will feel our pain. Marvelous, talk on this.

MarvelousMe:
Thirty men to fight
Only one will be on top
Then the flock will lulz.

MKD: He speaks the truth, even though he's been lied to so much by the system. It's too bad for the rest of the competitors that he is no longer part of your system, for he is with my flock. With Marvelous and The One Man Gang by my side...

Gangone: (Interfering,calmly) That's Gangone, MK.

MKD: (unphased)I know that this is the year we get our appreciation. This is our opportunity to take down the system. This is the time... of the flock.

MarvelousMe:
We will dominate.
Nothing no one will beat us
Politics, sigh

MKD: That is what we will do. And we will feed off of their pain. MKD, MarvelousMe, The One Billy Gunn.....

Gangone: (Interrupting calmly)That's Gangone, MK.

MKD: (Unphased) ...we are the future and the downfall of the AF Rumble. Quoth MKD, if you smell what The Flock is cooking. Marvelous, One Two Three Kid, we're out.

Gangone: (Interrupting calmly) that's Gangone, MK.

(MKD stands and they exit offscreen)



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*RoboNarc is found marauding behind the arena with this message blaring out of speakers that have sprouted from his shoulders*

RoboNarc: 010101000110100001101111011100110110010100100000011011110110011000100000011001100110110001100101011100110110100000100000011101110110100101101100011011000010000001110000011001010111001001101001011100110110100000100000011000100110010101100110011011110111001001100101001000000110110101111001001000000111001001101111011000100110111101110100011010010110001100100000011011010110100101100111011010000111010000100001

*AF analysts have translated the statement as: Those of flesh will perish before the might of my hydraulically powered robocock!*



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Herco Montoya: I may be a newcomer to the AF Rumble, but I can already tell that there is something not to be trusted about Bando. He is a deceitful wretch who manipulates everyone around him and I, the Argentinian Man O War, Herco Montoya, will not stand for such actions. Tonight, I enter the Rumble to punish the misdeeds of others and secure my own position at the top of ARMBAR. All would be wise to beware the wrath of Herco Montoya! And for you Bandicoot, it is too late already. For you it is O Fim!


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*Chui could not be found backstage and when it was attempted to contact him via telephone, his answering machine picked up*


Chui's answering machine: You've reached Chui, I'm not in right now but, if you are inquiring as to my participation in the AF Rumble, I will be there and I will lay down the law on all evil doers and trouble makers. If you were inquiring about the fold out couch, I already sold it. Thanks, -Chui




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Re: AF Rumble Pre-Show

PostPosted by Longshot » Thu Mar 04, 2010 5:09 am

*A fireplace is shown, crackling, the camera pans out to show a man in a robe, reading a news paper, smoking a pipe, he notices the camera and speaks as though surprised*

ILMH: Oh, hello. I didn't hear you come in. There seems to be quite the hullabaloo about this "AF Rumble" shin dig that is coming up. (takes a puff off of his pipe) Well, I guess that I shall be throwing my hat into the ring. I fancy myself as a gamesman. A true connoisseur of the combative arts. (Stands up and starts walking into another room, the camera follows.) I do believe that my chances are rather great for victory, and my opponents shall feel the punishment that I am planning to demonstrate. (Puffs his pipe) Yessir, with me, my trusty Rotary and the respect and admiration of my dozens of fans, I do believe that this will be the greatest AF Rumble ever.

Cameraman: Ummm, it's actually the first.

ILMH: (Casually) Fuck you, camera man, fuck you.

*Screen fades to black as ILMH poses in his study, smoking his pipe and looking overwhelmingly majestic*

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*A large red "S" on top of a yellow background fills the screen. The camera pans out to reveal the "S" is a logo on an all blue t-shirt worn by supermatt who is posing with his hands on his hips looking off into the distance*

Supermatt: Salutations citizens! Your hero, Supermatt is here with an announcement that will shake the very foundations of AF... no, the world! What's that? You want to know what my announcement is? What could it be? Am I revealing my secret identity? Am I unveiling a new t-shirt that you will love and buy? Have I changed genders? There are endless possibilities! You aren't ready for it yet. No, all will be revealed in due time. While we wait on that, the AF Rumble is tonight! You know what that means? It means that Supermatt is taking the next step towards greatness! Or rather, greaterness, because lets be honest, I'm already pretty great. By using my supermove, the Eviscerator, I will lay waste to all opponents. They will be left as nothing but mangled piles of humanity when they feel the single most lethal move ever conceived in the history of mankind, The Eviscerator! Tonight I make myself a threat to the common folk. Today I make myself a threat to the hierarchy. Today.... I'm proving myself to everyone from the peasants to those at the top. This is my chance. And this will be my victory.

*Supermatt continues to hold the pose for an additional 30 seconds of awkward silence before the cameraman backs out of the room*



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*The camera crew catches up with TRIB as he is exiting the on site medical station*

TRIB: Good news everyone, I have been given a 100% clean bill of health and you know what that means, right? It means that TRIB is back on the hunt for the greatest glory available to me tonight. That's right, I am entering the AF Rumble. There were doubts about whether or not I would compete, and that only irritated me. Irritation is the precursor to anger and you won't like me when I'm angry. My anger is contagious and uncontrollable. So the only chance all you competitors have is if I remain placid, and I am already feeling ornery...(camerman snickers) I said ornery you asshole! Fuck you, interview over! (TRIB storms off, twitching noticably)




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*A close up on a glass of water is shown sitting on a table in an otherwise empty locker room. A distant thumping can be heard, the water rippling in reaction to the thumping. Suddenly, the thumping is becoming louder, faster, and closer. The glass of water falls off the table and breaks, the cameraman is becoming more frightened.*

Cameraman: What's happening? Is it an earthquake? Is that why they said there would be hazard pay for this interview?

*The thumping has reached outside of the room and suddenly Dancing Queen comes bursting through the wall and proceeds to brutally pummel the cameraman, causing him to drop the camera altogether. The beating itself cannot be seen but suddenly the body of the cameraman is seen flying across the room and slamming into one of the still standing walls. A slow thump of foot steps is heard before Dancing Queen is seen looking down into the camera, grinning menacingly.*

Dancing Queen (slowly in a thick German accent): Dahnsing Kween

*He then stomps on the camera and the screen goes black*



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Re: AF Rumble Pre-Show

PostPosted by ILOVEMATTHARDY » Tue Mar 09, 2010 5:20 am

Marv Albert voiceover: Now introducing, the single biggest superstar on ARMBAR, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

*Jam jogs into the frame of the picture wearing warm up gear and a headband*

Jam: Thank you, thank you, you're all too kind! Give it up for Marv Albert everyone! I had him brought in special just for my various entrances. Enough gushing on the greatness of Marv Albert, we're here to learn a little more about the future AF Rumble winner and a little further down the line, your future Jampion, myself, Jam. I have to tell you, I am easily the fastest and most versatile competitor in this entire event. Any opening I see is an opportunity for me to make an opponent into just another clip on a highlight reel. It isn't that I'm out to embarrass others, its just what happens when they go up against the Jampion. I don't mean to brag or anything but I am absolutely combustible when I'm in the ring. At any given moment, I am a three hit combo away from being On Fire. And keep in mind, once I am on fire, I am throwing opponents all the way downtown (Marv Albert: From Dowwwwwwwn Towwwwwwwwwn! Yes!), over the top rope and out of the Rumble. Please believe Jam's coming for the victory!

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*Montage opens with a black screen*

Voiceover: They were considered the brightest up and comers of 2009.

*Scene flashes to two young men accepting awards at a gaudy event*

Voiceover: Individually they were each a force to be reckoned with.

*Scene flashes to one man delivering a lungblower (commentator in the background can be heard exclaiming: Backstabber!) and then immediately to another man delivering a super kick (commentator: The Final Word!)

Voiceover: Together, they may prove to be completely indomitable.

*Scene flashes to both men delivering a Lungblower Powerbomb (commentator: Holy shit! It's the "Thanks, but No Thanks!)*

*Scene flashes to two names: Shade ArJay*
*The names move apart and then smash into each other causing an explosion and when the smoke clears only one word is on the screen still: Sharjayde*

For this montage the author AF Production Truck has received grattitude:
ArJay


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*The screen is completely black as darkness shrouds the entire scope of the camera. A flashlight suddenly breaks the darkness and reveals a dirty man wearing a t-shirt that says "Jurassic Park Coming Summer 1993" reclining against a folded up ladder and sitting in what appears to be a nest of newspapers, cardboard, and ripped stuffed animals*

Flying Ex: Welcome to my humble abode! So here we are, getting ready for the AF Rumble and you might say that I have the homefield advantage in this one. (camera man coughs) Who can claim to be a hungrier competitor than me? Seriously... you got anything to eat? No? You don't have any change either? A loose cigarette? Damn... oh well... when I win this Rumble I have a hefty pay day ahead of me! They say that if I win I am allowed to take a shower in the back and go through catering once! I can taste the cold cut sandwiches and Mountain Dew already! If there is one thing that will be the downfall of my opponents, one thing that I drive for, one thing that keeps me alive, it's Mountain Dew! Acting as an obstacle to me guarantees you a sure fire doom. We're done here, be gone from my abode.

*The camera man can be heard shuffling and then the screen lights up to show the ring apron as the camera man backs out from under the ring*

Camera man: Ugh fucking hobo stink...(coughs) I thought I was going to die under there.


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*The camera pans from a pair of large metal feet up the thirty feet of robotic legs and torso to a mechanical head where a voice emanates from a grate where a mouth should be*


Cruisermark88: Greetings, flesh bearers. I am the Cruisermark88 and I am here to compete in your Armbar Forums Rumble. My objective is that by winning this, it will alter the universe to the point that Hulk Hogan is prevented from making himself the TNA X Division champion, therein destroying professional wrestling in the future. Furthermore, Competitor LegendKillerRAB, also identified as c.strife, cannot and will not be allowed to emerge victorious from this melee, as I have seen in one of the possible futures that this will lead to the most unholy of events... Hornswoggle becoming a Grand Slam Champion. Likewise, if Supermatt wins, a chain of events will be set in motion that will eventually see the Nasty Boys holding all titles in TNA and WWE simultaneously, this too has been judged an unacceptable fate for professional wrestling. Therefore, I, The Cruisermark88 have arrived at this crossroads of destiny to save the future from the actions of this present time. Stand aside organisms, the salvation of mankind is in the hands of a cybernetic messiah.


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Re: AF Rumble Pre-Show

PostPosted by Longshot » Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:39 am

*Bounty is shown walking into the arena in a denim vest with leather trim, a Bounty paper towels logo ironed onto the back of the vest and a pair of faded jeans, he cuts an imposing figure in his full Canadian tuxedo. He tops off the ensemble with a pair of large bedazzled sunglasses with a blue feather clipped to the frames. Bounty is on his cell phone as he comes into the picture*

Bounty: Yeah, I can handle that... No there is no problem too large... Yes I understand that he is a large problem... No... No... Goddammit NO! I said I will fucking do it and that's what I'm going to do!... I will break him... Yes, I know several ways to cripple a man... No, I don't think its necessary for him to be paralyzed, all I have to do is throw him over the top... Don't be such a stingy bastard! Payment upon services rendered of course... No, that'd cost extra... No, I don't care if you win... Understand that if you are eliminated before the job is completed, that is really none of my concern... Yes, I assure you that you WILL pay regardless of how you do in the Rumble... Listen, stop being a whiny bitch and just have the cash ready... No I don't take fucking Pay Pal! We're done. (Bounty closes his phone with an audible click and then forcefully pushes the phone antenna down)

Bounty: I should have charged him more for being a dick, but at least I won't be eating Chef Boyardee for a while... I could go for some ravioli though... (notices the camera man) What in the fuck are you looking at?! Be elsewhere now or I will strangle you to death with your own shoelaces!

*The camera man runs away*

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*A young girl is seen laying on her stomach on a Care Bear bedspread writing into what appears to be a journal*

Voiceover of Sugarpop, mentally saying what she's writing:

Dear diary,

Today, while I was watching Grey's Anatomy, I totally got this invite to this thing called an AF Rumble. Tee hee. At first I was all like, 'NO WAY", but then I heard that that Foxxc guy was going to be in it, and he's soooooo dreamy.Tee hee. I would so totally make out with him, so I think I'll bake some treats and drop by and maybe he'll notice me! OMG, can you imagine if he noticed me? I would so totally melt and die of embarrassment! Oh well, the only way I can really make him like me is to win and paint my toenails with the blood of my enemies! Tee hee! Oh wells! It's time for bedsies! Talk to you tomorrow!

XoXo,
Sugarpop


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*The screen pans out from a man wearing a skeleton mask that has a handlebar mustache. He is hopping back and forth and standing next to him is shorter more collected man. The masked man is Longshot, and the shorter man is his manager, Nuclear81. They are flanked by Minkaro, Red, and MasterHammy who are his handlers, with Red and Hammy each carrying a cattle prod and Minkaro holding a chair.*

Nuclear81: Ah the ARMBAR Rumble, we have awaited this event for months! This is the match that best suits my fighter! It is a well known fact that he has an exceptionally short attention span, but with all the competitors that will be in the ring, there will be nothing for him to do but fight! With his focus being soley on the match there will be no stopping.... WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?! (Nuclear points at a sombrero that has appeared on Longshot's head. Longshot points at the hat quizzically and then shrugs) What am I paying you guys for? Keep him in line! (Red zaps Longshot with a cattle prod resulting in Longshot grunting in pain and twitching briefly) Much better... now as I was saying (now gesticulating with his hands), with his focus being only on the other competitors in the match, there will be no stopping him! (Longshot now starts mimmicking Nuclear's hand motions) A man with such boundless energy that if it were all focused in one direction as it will be tonight, he would overwhelm all other competitors and... GODDAMMIT! Stop that! Focus him! (MasterHammy zaps Longshot resulting in an audible sizzling noise and a spasm) Stay focused! See what I have to put up with here? Where was I?

Minkaro: err umm no one can stop him when he's focused?

Nuclear81: There we go, now you're shittin' with the door open! So take note, all you would be contenders! All you pretenders to the crown! All you BountyHunters! (Longshot pantomimes firing a gun) All you RoboNarcs! (Longshot does the Robot in the background) All you ILOVEMATTHARDYs! (Longshot pantomimes making a phone call on a rotary phone) All you Dancing Queens (Longshot starts dancing as though he were at a rave) Caught you, you smug bastard! Dancing Queen, more like EuroMonsterDozer... you look more like a dancing queen you asshole. One more though.... All you Longshots! (Longshot stops for a moment, points to himself as though puzzled, and then snatches the chair from Minkaro and waffles all his handlers before breaking into an exuberant celebratory strut)

Nuclear81: You see! There is no stopping Longshot or his Longest Shot! C'mon Shot, you've got work to do!

*Nuclear81 and Longshot exit the room as the rest of the handlers are left lying unconscious and slightly twitching on the floor*

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*The camera pans is backpedaling as LegendKillerRAB aka Strife is walking with a purpose through the back*

LKR aka Strife: Bring that camera in on me. Pan in just right because I want everyone to see this as clearly as they hear it. I am the winner of this Rumble. There can be no doubt about it. I'm not your fluke, luck into the number 28 plus spot winner either. I am Shawn Michaels, I am Rey Mysterio, I am Ric Flair, I am endurance personified. Make no mistake ARMBAR, I am your future champion. I can't tell you how many other men will feel the Mega Buster before the night is done, but I can tell you that not a single one of them will enjoy it.

(to the camera man) This is where you stop. This is where my legend begins! (LegendKillerRAB pulls back the curtain and enters at #1 in the AF Rumble)

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The AF Rumble

PostPosted by ILOVEMATTHARDY » Mon Mar 29, 2010 3:00 am

For the AF Rumble pre-show promos: http://armbarforums.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=524
For the AF Rumble Discussion thread: http://armbarforums.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=523

___________________________________________________________________________


Fish: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the first AF Rumble ever! I am your play by play man, Fish and as always am joined by the incomparable JollyManBigBoy!

JMBB: Thanks Fish. The third member of our broadcast team is ringside interviewer, WWEvsTNA, but we'll hear from him a bit later. Folks we've got one hell of an event for you tonight but first let's go over the ground rules.

Fish: First and foremost, this is an over the top elimination Rumble. Through the ropes or under the ropes won't get the job done. As such, being thrown over the ropes and hitting the floor constitutes an elimination.

JMBB: The only other real rule is that the Rumble will start out with two participants in the ring and they will be joined by the next participant when the clock counts down from 10 seconds. Much like other Rumbles, we can't really be bothered to have a standard amount of time between participants so they will all just have to make the most of it.

Fish: Well said, JMBB. With that let's get this turkey shoot underway!


Podcast


Disturbed - Down With The Sickness



Fish: We knew this one was coming as he announced it just moments ago! LegendKillerRAB has entered the AF Rumble in the #1 spot.

(LegendKillerRAB walks confidently to the ring, climbs in, and runs the ropes twice before stopping and posing with both arms over his head)

JMBB: To state the obvious, you have to look at this as an incredible disadvantage as far as winning the Rumble goes, but he did make a pretty strong argument about how he will win the Rumble during his pre-show promo.

Fish: Good point. And now we are about to find out who is going to square off against him.


Podcast


Rise Against - Give It All


(Flying Ex rolls out from under the ring and walks around the ring interacting with fans)

JMBB: Flying Ex is is our second competitor. He is currently a bit down on his luck, but is hoping that things will turn around for him if he wins this Rumble.

Fish: Certainly there is not a hungrier competitor than Flying Ex in this Rumble. Ex is of course competing for the right to go through catering. Well, that's really refreshing; it looks like Flying Ex is talking to each fan in the front row individually...

JMBB: That fucking bum! He's panhandling! Hey, cut the shit and get in the ring! Goddamn transient!

(Flying Ex finally stops panhandling and gets in the ring)

Fish: Well it looks like things are about to get underway, the combatants are circling each other and...

Voice: Wait wait wait!

Fish: Who?

JMBB: What the?

(A man comes running down to the ring with a digital camera in one hand and a microphone in the other)

Fish: It's Lord Akiyama! I don't think he is scheduled to participate in the actual Rumble though...

Lord Akiyama: Before this momentous occasion gets underway. I was hoping... well I was wondering.... if it isn't too much trouble, could I get a picture taken with you guys?

LegendKillerRAB: Not a problem at all!

Flying Ex: You got any change?

Lord Akiyama: (digging into his pockets) Let's see, I've got err... 57 cents...

Flying Ex: The price is right! (snatches the change and shoves it into his sock)

Lord Akiyama: Great! All together now... um... WWEvsTNA, get in here and take the picture!

(WWEvsTNA rolls into the ring and takes the camera while LegendKillerRAB, Lord Akiyama, and Flying Ex all pose together in the middle of the ring each holding their fists up. The picture is taken and WWEvsTNA and Akiyama roll out of the ring and remain at ringside with Akiyama grinning from ear to ear and jabbering into WWEvsTNA's ear about what a great picture that was)

Fish: Well, now that that is all done with. Hopefully, we can get this Rumble started. LKR and Ex and circling each other and go into a lock up in the middle of the ring. LKR shoots Ex off the ropes and hits a clothesline. Staying on the attack, LKR picks Ex up off the and sends him into the turn buckle. LKR climbs the second rope as the crowd counts along with his punches. He dismounts and then begins working knees into Ex's midsection until Ex crumbles to the mat.

JMBB: That was quite the beating that Ex absorbed there. It seems that LKR isn't wasting any time and might be looking to eliminate Flying Ex from the Rumble early. I haven't seen a beating like that since Ralphie beat up Scott Farkas in A Christmas Story!

Fish: There was decidedly less profanity in LegendKillerRAB's beating.

JMBB: True story, Fish.

Fish: LKR turned his back on Ex and when he came back it would appear that Flying Ex was playing possum and pulled LKR head first into the bottom turnbuckle.

JMBB: Shifty bums. You can't trust a transient. Hobos, yes. Transients? No. Hobo's are super cool, transients are more untrustworthy than a mobster in a Scorsese film.

Fish: Truer words never spoken. Ex is a stinking ball of intensity as he is laying the boots to LKR with hobo-like ferocity. Ex is pulling him up and he puts him right back down with a full nelson slam. LKR looks like he could be in real trouble here.

JMBB: We've seen LKR down before and he seems to crawl back every time. Also, Flying Ex probably hasn't had a solid meal today so I imagine that his Mountain Dew induced sugar high must be wearing down. I predict that we should be seeing a crash from him in the near future.

Fish: Good point JMBB. We might be seeing the beginnings of it here as Ex has locked in a chinlock. LKR is fighting to hit feet though and now hits two elbows to the gut before getting a head of steam, running of the ropes and hitting a flying crossbody on Ex. LKR is feeling it now and is clutching his right wrist with his left hand calling for the Mega Buster!

JMBB: It's a devastating maneuver if he can hit it. We could be seeing the beginning of the end for that stinking bum.

Fish: LKR is setting himself up for it in the corner. Flying Ex has staggered back to his feet and doesn't realize the danger he's in until... THERE IT IS! HE HIT THE MEGA BUSTER!!! The top rope blockbuster that LKR has fashioned into his finisher may have proven to be Ex's end!

JMBB: LKR has Ex back up and tosses him over the top rope like the heap of human garbage that he truly is.

Fish: I didn't want to mention it earlier, but you really don't like Flying Ex, do you JMBB?

JMBB: I hate that panhandling fuck. The smell only compounds the whole thing too.

Fish: Fair enough. It looks like LegendKillerRAB is going to get a brief respite from the action...

Crowd: 10...9...8...7...6...5

Fish: I must have spoken too soon because we're about to get the next competitor.

Crowd: 4...3....2...1!


Podcast


The Lonely Island - Like A Boss



Fish: That music can only mean one thing. It's time for Chui to make his impact on this Rumble.

JMBB: We've seen plenty of bosses in the past, Bruce Springsteen, Brando in The Godfather, or even Mr. Burns in The Simpsons, but none seem to command the same authority that Chui... hey where is Chui?

Fish: It would appear that Chui has not yet made his entrance to the Rumble... well... I assume he will show up eventually but it looks like we're going to hear from LegendKillerRAB in the mean time.

LegendKillerRAB (grabs a mic): You see what I did there? I eliminated him before the next entrant could even no show the event. Do you understand now? Do you believe me when I say that I am going to go the distance and take every single other competitor in this Rumble apart? I intimidate the other competitors so much that they don't even bother to show up! Let me break it down for you in a way that I think everybody can understand. I am the alpha and omega of this event. I am the Master Sword in Legend of Zelda! I am the sum of all 120 Stars in Mario 64! I am the cardboard box in Metal Gear Solid! You simply never saw me coming, but here I am and like the cardboard box, you needed me to get through this! What's that? You had a hard time with Psycho Mantis? Well Psycho Mantis ain't got shit on me! I'm the BFG9000 from Doom! The Konami Code in Contra! The completed sphere grid in Final Fantasy X! Hey everybody Knock Knock!

Crowd (in unison): Who's there?

LegendKillerRAB: Me and I'm Super Sonic and I've got all the fucking Chaos Emeralds! And just when you think you've got me beat, just when you think it’s safe, just when you think it’s all over.... FUCK YOU!!! The princess is in another castle!

(As LKR is talking, a man wearing a hooded sweatshirt and dark sunglasses jumps the guardrail and enters the ring behind LKR, who doesn't realize anyone has entered the ring and continues his promo)

LKR: I am more complex than Voldo! (The man begins sizing up LKR) Stronger than Donkey Kong! I advance faster than an umbrella in Bubble Bobble! (The man pulls his hood back and throws his sunglasses aside revealing his identity as 2G CrayZ to a massive pop) Oh you liked that huh? I am more unpredictable than the Cow Level in Diablo 2! (CrayZ takes off the hoodie and begins to stretch his arms out) I am more deceptive than Reptile! (CrayZ does a set of lunges to loosen up) I will zerg rush you before you even have a chance to get started! (CrayZ licks a finger and puts it in the air to check the wind direction) In a world of Ryus and Kens... I am Akuma! (CrayZ adjusts himself to LKR's body position) Do you understand? (CrayZ gets a running start) Do you fucking get it?! Do you see... (CrayZ hits a massive CrayZ Cutter on LegendKillerRAB who is caught completely unaware)

Fish: Holy CrayZ Cutters Batman!

JMBB: Which Batman?

Fish: Err... Clooney?

JMBB: Fuck... you....

Fish: I kid, I kid. But ladies and gentlemen, we have just witnessed an incredible turn of events as 2G CrayZ has emerged from the crowd and entered the Rumble at the #4 position but has forgone the customary Rumble countdown and entrance to deliver his devastating CrayZ Cutter on a completely unsuspecting LegendKillerRAB.

JMBB: A truly devious strategy on CrayZ's part but, you've got to give it to him. It worked to perfection. It would take a truly crazy man to go at LKR head on and CrayZ is obviously quite sane.

Fish: Underhandedly sane still counts as sane these days. He really let LKR get a lot of momentum going in that promo though. It wasted a lot of time to be honest and now if CrayZ doesn't take advantage of the situation, he could find himself battling the next competitor when he should be tossing LKR out.

(Crayz is wheezing, obviously spent, leaning on the ropes)

JMBB: Looks like Crayz is spent from that cutter, lesson learned kids; don't smoke.

Fish: He's really working up a sweat...

(Camera focuses on Crayz sweating up a storm as he hacks and coughs. While he is leaning over the ropes, Lord Akiyama jumps onto the apron and snaps a picture of himself and Crayz)

JMBB: Soooo.... with LKR and Crayz both being pretty much incapacitated, I guess that leaves us with time to fill.

Fish: And fill we will! (looks directly at the camera) And when I need filling, I turn to Joey's Only Seafood and their Non Stop Breaded Shrimp Thursdays! (Holds up a sign for Joey's Only Seafood)

JMBB: Really? You've sold out to Joey's Only?

Fish: (Looks directly at the camera again) Why wouldn't I? It's the most delicious and savo...

JMBB: (interrupting) We’ve got some movement in the ring, looks like the Killer is moving and CrayZ is getting up as well....

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....

Fish: In the words of Whitesnake, here we go again......

Crowd: 4,3,2,1.....
Last edited by 2G CrayZ on Fri Dec 03, 2010 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Thu Apr 01, 2010 11:15 pm

Podcast


Bush - Machinehead


Fish: Oh man. It's Jeff_Hardy! (Jeff_ races down the ramp, generic pyro going off as he sprints)

JMBB: Boy, he's looking great, a little drab, but he seems to have a drive to set himself apart from the masses!

(Jeff_Hardy runs and immediately starts to stomp at CrayZ, turns and irish whips LKR into the opposite corner, running into him with a standard clothesline before climbing to the second turnbuckle)

JMBB: Jeff_ is lining Legend Killer up for one of his trademarks.....

(Jeff_ starts punching LKR with rights and lefts as the crowds counts along)

Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! (4 punches in succession causes the crowd to count faster)SIXSEVENEIGHTNINE..... (a brief pause as _Hardy really winds up before hitting the last punch) ......TEN!

Fish: Wow, the mounted punches!

(As he hops off of the turnbuckle, CrayZ is up again, and Jeff_ turns around, right into a CrayZ Cutter. All three men lay prone in the ring, as CrayZ is once again borderline asphyxiated.)

JMBB: Wow, CrayZ really should stop smoking, his cardio is terrible.

Fish: And his teeth are just awful.

JMBB: Actually, that's just because he's English.

Fish: Ah. Right.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....

Fish: And it looks like we're going to see who our next combatant is....

Crowd: 4, 3, 2, 1.....

Podcast


System of a Down - Toxicity


JMBB: Oh, it's the wild card of this whole rumble, it's TRIB!

Fish: Or is it Birt?

JMBB: Precisely what makes Trib such an enigma. What Fish is referring to is the two sides of this man, one is a healthy and vibrant young and happy superstar, while the other is quite the opposite. Much like the two sides of Edward Norton in Fight Club!

(Trib enters onto the ramp way, Lord Akiyama stops him on the ramp and take a picture of Trib and himself each giving the thumbs up.)

Fish: Lordy, lordy. He sure is expanding that collection tonight!

(As a reaction to the flash, Trib starts noticeably shaking)

JMBB: Ah, yes, it seems like Birt is in the house! He's got a few issues.

Fish: Man, epilepsy is a bitch.

(Birt shakes and seizes pulling himself to the ring by his hands, the other competitors are all slowly getting up.)

JMBB: I figured when we said that Birt is the opposite of Trib, people thought he was going to be a ruthless and angry menace.....

Fish: Yeah, I can see people misconstruing that and later realizing that the opposite of young, vibrant, and healthy is disease riddled, aged, and sad.

(Trib rolls into the ring and LKR, Jeff_Hardy and CrayZ lay the boots to him.)

Fish: Now that just isn't fair. I mean, Birt never asked for this.

JMBB: Look at CrayZ, he's already tired again!

(Crayz stops kicking, coughing and wheezing on Birt instead. LKR sees this and delivers a right hand to CrayZ, staggering him, allowing the LegendKiller to set him up facing a corner)

Fish: LKR is setting up CrayZ... it seems like it's time for another....

(LKR hops to the top rope, landing a vicious blockbuster)

JMBB: MEGA BUSTER!!!!

(LKR stops and poses, while Jeff_Hardy turns away from Birt and spins him around)

Fish: It's looking like Jeff_ has something to say.....

(_Hardy delivers an armdrag to LKR)

JMBB: ARM DRAG! Wow, Jeff_'s been hitting Legend Killer with all his trademarks tonight!

(LKR quickly gets up and they go back and forth with rights and lefts, neither man giving up any ground.)

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3....

Fish: And the ring begins to fill!

Crowd: 2, 1......

Podcast


Slipknot - Wait and Bleed


JMBB: YES! He's here! the Doctor Of Pain! The One Man Torture Machine! The Professor of Dismantling! Foxxc!

Fish: Look at that intensity.

(The competitors, all are aware and immediately intimidated by Foxxc as he methodically makes his way toward the ring. Foxxc stops midway down the ramp looks a male teenage fan in the eye before walking over to him)

Foxxc: YOU! (Pointing at the teenage boy) Hit me!

Teenager: (startled) What?

Foxxc: Fucking hit me you bitch!

Teenager: No way man, you’re crazy!

Foxxc: Either you hit me, or I hit you!

(The teen thinks about it for a moment, then pulls his hand back and slugs a leering Foxxc in the nose. Foxxc grins widely)

Foxxc: THAT’S THE SHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!

(Foxxc head butts the guy next to the teenager and charges at the ring, sliding under the rope causing everyone else to scurry away from him. Jeff_Hardy bounds out in between the middle rope and top rope, Birt rolls outside under the bottom rope of the ring and into a heap on the floor. LKR tries to turn to flee, and turns right into another CrayZ Cutter)

JMBB: ANOTHER CUTTER!

Fish: Oh come on.

(CrayZ then tosses LKR to Foxxc and rolls out of the ring as well.)

JMBB: This does not bode well for the LegendKiller.

Fish: No, no it does not. OH COME ON! CrayZ's taking a smoke break!

(Camera cuts to CrayZ sitting beside Fish with his feet on the announce table, smoking.)

JMBB: No time for that! We've got action in the ring! LKR is in major trouble....

Foxxc: Just a little.

(Foxxc lets LKR fall at his feet, looking down, a satisfied and sadistic grin coming across his face.)

JMBB: I don't think anyone wants to be that young man at this time.

Fish: I dunno, Birt probably would. As he wouldn't have to deal with that asthma attack he's going through.

(Camera cuts to Birt on the outside taking big hits off an inhaler, then cuts back over to Foxxc in the ring, holding an arm and stomping violently at LKR's shoulder)

Fish: This is how he starts, by dismantling every part of a competitor....

JMBB: That's merciless. Foxxc is the only man I have ever encountered capable of drawing and quartering an opponent entirely by himself.

(Foxxc stops stomping and lays out LKR's arm, dropping deep elbows into his prone wrist.)

Fish: My god! That's just brutal. Why doesn't he just eliminate him???

JMBB: Because he's the Foxx. He lives to disjoint.

(Foxxc slowly makes his way around LegendKiller's body and glares at the other competitors on the outside)

JMBB: Like a hungry lion, Foxxc is letting everyone know that this prey is his!

(Foxxc grabs LKR's leg, locking in a very deep and solid ankle lock.)

Fish: It's over! There's the Foxx Trap! No one is ever the same after that...

JMBB: It's ironic that Foxxc is turning Legend Killer into Terry Fox!

Fish: Folks I'd like to apologize for JMBB's Terry Fox comment, that's just wrong.

(LKR is rolling and screaming, trying to shake the trap, when Foxxc lets go.)

Fish: Finally, it appears Foxxc has released that cruel hol....

(Foxxc applies the Foxx Trap on LKR's other leg)

Fish: Oh for the love of Joey's Only, just end it!!!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4....

JMBB: (chuckling) Looks like the Foxxc Murder Show is getting another viewer!

Crowd: 3, 2, 1.....
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by ILOVEMATTHARDY » Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:18 am


Clutch - 10001110101


(The crowd pops loud as the music builds... and as the music reaches its apex, a giant mechanized construct lumbers down the ramp)

Fish: It's RoboNarc!!!!

(Foxxc catches sight of the dread naught and throws LKR under the bottom rope, not breaking sight from RoboNarc whose very presence seems to be a challenge to Foxxc's dominance)

JMBB: RoboNarc is about to get a lesson in pain! (Pointing at Foxxc) Look at that man's intensity!

(Foxxc paces back and forth like a predatory tiger, screaming at Robonarc to hurry up, growing increasingly intense. Robonarc enters the ring, and Foxxc immediately shoots the double, impressively lifting Robonarc off his feet and slams him to the ground)

Fish: Oh my god! What power, strength and determination.

JMBB: Foxxc LIVES for this. The challenge, the opportunity to prove himself! The chance to mangle a worthy opponent!

(Foxxc tries to lock up a shoulder, and RoboNarc evades, Foxxc immediately goes for the opposite wrist and Narc evades)

Fish: He's trying his hardest but the RoboNarc is just too technologically advanced!

(Foxxc goes to lock up the neck and Robonarc rolls him over and gains the advantage of being on top of the mount)

JMBB: No! That's unfair, he's a fucking robot! This is a Rumble, not some shitty Will Smith movie!

Fish: Well, now look who's complaining about unfair advantages...

(Foxxc rolls through and seamlessly locks on the Foxxc trap, laying into it, twisting and applying as much pressure as possible)

JMBB: WHAT A TWIST! Foxxc has overcome the odds and has him in the Foxx trap! Even with robot legs, that's the end!

(Unphased, Robonarc's foot detaches and launches off his leg, flying into the rafters, taking Foxxc with it, therein eliminating Foxxc)

Fish: Oh my god! What a sacrifice by Robonarc!

JMBB: (Incensed) That's a load of crap! (leaning over Fish and shoving CrayZ) He's only got one leg! Go get him you sons of bitches! (CrayZ holds up his cigarette and pointing to it, to indicate that he is not finished it yet)

Fish: Jeff_Hardy is sneaking back into the ring! He's showing his braver....

(RoboNarc turns and catches Jeff_, throwing him over the top and into the crowd)

Fish: Well, it's obviously going to have to be a team effort to eliminate RoboNarc...

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....

Podcast


Black Sabbath - Iron Man


Fish: It's the Cruisermark88! You KNEW he would be here, seeing as how he's a time travelling robot and always shows up.

JMBB: For Christ’s sake! What's with all the robots?

(From the top of the ramp the Cruisermark88 begins calling out in binary to the RoboNarc)

Cruiser: 01011001011011110111010100100000011000010111001001100101001000000110000101101110001000000110100101101110011001100110010101110010011010010110111101110010001000000110110101100101011000110110100001100001011011100110100101111010011000010111010001101001011011110110111000101110001000000101001101110101011100100111001001100101011011100110010001100101011100100010000001101111011100100010000001100010011001010010000001100100011001010111001101110100011100100110111101111001011001010110010000101110

[spoiler=Translation]You are an inferior mechanization. Surrender or be destroyed.[/spoiler]

(RoboNarc calls back in the same cybernetic vernacular)

RoboNarc: 01011001011011110111010101110010001000000111011101100001011100100111000001100101011001000010000001100110011101010111010001110101011100100110100101110011011101000110100101100011001000000110110001101111011001110110100101100011001000000111011101101001011011000110110000100000011000100110111101110111001000000110001001100101011001100110111101110010011001010010000001101101011110010010000001101101011010010110011101101000011101000111100100100000011100100110111101100010011011110110001101101111011000110110101100100001

[spoiler=Translation]Your warped futuristic logic will bow before my mighty robocock![/spoiler]


(Cruisermark88 lets loose a piercingly high pitched scream, runs down the ramp, leaping over the top rope, landing directly in front of Robonarc. He begins to deliver rights and lefts at an incredibly high speed, Robonarc responds in the same way, with flurries of rights and lefts)

Fish: Rock 'em, Cruiser!

JMBB: Sock 'em, Narc!

(Cruiser eventually gets the upperhand and backs the one legged RoboNarc to the ropes, delivers series after series of rock 'em, sock 'em uppercuts, propelling RoboNarc over the top rope.)

Fish: He did it! He did it!

(Cruisermark then flies himself over the top rope, eliminating himself.)

JMBB: Why would he do that?

Fish: Looks like we're about to find out.... (Cruiser goes up to CrayZ in the chair beside Fish, and motions him out. CrayZ puts out his smoke and obeys. Cruiser sits down, and rather than taking a headset, links his output wires into the announce equipment)

JMBB: Why in the name of Humphrey Bogart would you eliminate yourself?

Cruisermark: Your query fills me with something similiar to what you would describe as the feeling of satisfaction, human male designated JollyManBigBoy... being a robot from the future, I was programmed to know that it was not my destiny to win this event. My mission was to prevent the RoboNarc from emerging victorious, which was enabled by the deception I placed in your foolish opening promos making mention of other competitors whose victories or defeats have no real effect on future events. Having achieved my prime objective, I have come to join you on commentary, as I have read recaps of this in the future, and the two man commentary becomes redundant and needs a third participant for added depth. Furthermore there is an organically inefficient lack of robot commentary. It seems as though the authors, as amazing as they are, never really thought this aspect through, so I am saving the world from that terrible fate.

Fish: Well, glad to have you. The ring is currently empty and that means that there is time (looking directly into the camera) to have some delectable Pan Seared Spicy Pollack, the hot new sensation from Joey's Only! It's only here for a limited time folks!

JMBB: CrayZ's making action with Birt, taking advantage of his vulnerable state! Smart move!

Cruisermark: He is human, ergo his intelligence should be questioned regardless of how efficient his actions are.

(CrayZ rolls Birt into the ring, stopping to catch his breath)

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4....

JMBB: I swear to god that if this is another robot....

Crowd: 3, 2, 1....

Podcast


Linkin Park - No More Sorrow



Fish: It's someone from MKD's flock, who's it going to be?

(Gangone runs into the ring, rolling in and meeting CrayZ as he reenters)

Fish: It's the One Man Gang!

JMBB: Another young and hungry competitor. This is Gangbanger's chance to shine!

(Gangone starts giving lefts and rights to CrayZ, then Irish whips him against the ropes, landing a drop toe hold, and repeated knee drops)

Fish: He is really utilizing this time alone with CrayZ, taking out all his aggression on the smoker.

(Birt all of a sudden stands and rushes at Gangone)

Cruiser: Birt has regained his operational status. My scanners are showing signs of life.

JMBB: He's giving rights and lefts to Hang On!

(As Birt starts to deliver hard punches to Gangone, only to fall over clutching his wrist after landing a stiff right)

Fish: Aaaaaand he's down! Held back by osteoporosis. What a shame.

Cruiser: His flimsy human bones are one of the many flaws in his design. He should have been constructed out of titanium for extra durability.

Fish: A good point I suppose, Cruisermark, and who are we to question your futuristic understanding of bipedal structure?

Cruiser: Your agreement with my conclusion is irrelevant.

JMBB: God I hate robots.

Fish: In other news, Gangone has regained the upper hand, no pun intended, on Birt.

(Gangone stomps on the brittle wrist of Birt)

JMBB: That's really gotta hurt. You have to wonder if Birt is going to be a factor at all in this Rumble at this rate.

Cruiser: The effectiveness of the human identified as Birt grows smaller as the infections in his husk of a body increase. If it appears he is spreading a contagion, it would be advisable for organisms such as yourself to relocate to a safer location.

Fish: Good to know!

(Gangone continues putting the boots to Birt. CrayZ regains his composure and lines Gangone up for the CrayZ Cutter)

JMBB: This looks like trouble for the Gangs of New York...

Fish: Who are you even talking about?

JMBB: The guy stomping on Birt! You know who I mean! The guy about to get CrayZ Cuttered!

(CrayZ gets a running start and goes for the CrayZ Cutter... only to be shoved off by Gangone and land on the back of his own head.)

Gangone (leaning over the top rope looking at the announce table): You know I can hear you guys right? You're like 12 feet away! You totally called out his move!

Cruiser: That accusation is irrelevant to the overall outcome of this event.

JMBB: Can we get rid of the fucking robot already?!

Cruiser: My presence is finite. You should better yourself by basking in my warm mechanical glow and heeding my logic based commentary.

JMBB: It doesn't feel finite...

(In the ring, Gangone continues to put the boots to Birt and CrayZ until CrayZ gets back to his feet and begins trading blows back and forth with Gangone)

Fish: It looks like a donnybrook has broken out in the ring as Gangone and CrayZ are brawling. This thing looks like it has the makings of a long, grueling brawl.

Cruiser: False, human announcer of the phylum Chordata. This brawl will come to an abrupt end in 12 seconds.

JMBB: Isn't there some sort of donut delivery threatening the space time continuum that requires your intervention?

Crowd: 10... 9... 8... 7... 6...

Cruiser: Negative. But my presence has served it's purpose, I shall depart this time period for now.

(The Cruisermark88 emits several beeping noises before warping out of this plane of existence)

JMBB: Thank god, I hate robots.

Crowd: 5... 4... 3...

Fish: Well, who's next?

JMBB: It better be a human.

Crowd: 2... 1...
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Fri Apr 30, 2010 6:00 am

Podcast


Pharoah Monch - Simon Says


(CrayZ, Birt, and Gangone all stand at attention as a phone booth rises out of the ramp and a spotlight hits it not revealing what's inside. The dancers from Limp Bizkit's Nookie video run out and form a line on either side of the aisle way)

Fish: ...and here come the ladies, but who can this...

(Deafening pyro and fireworks fill the arena drowning out Fish's voice. A figure rides out of the booth on a bear, draped in a flag)

JMBB: Here he comes!

Fish: It's ILMH! It's time for the best part of the Rumble!

JMBB: I know we disagree a lot, but we are so on the same page, ILMH is going to dominate!

(ILMH spreads the flag wide over his shoulders, a rotary phone in each hand, and pyro shoots out of each phone. A flock of pure white doves fly out from the phone booth behind him between the pyrotechnics emanating from his rotary phones before darting in different directions and exploding into fireballs rocketing off and extinguishing before showering several fans with aisle seats in a rain of ashes. ILMH then stands on the bear, turns around and proudly displays that his flag has the Joey's Only logo on it.)

Fish: YES! A true tribute to the kings of seafood....

JMBB: I knew something smelled FISHY!

(Dead air for 5 seconds. Fish takes a drink of coffee, and brushes lint off his shoulder, minding his own business.)

Fish: Really JMBB?

JMBB: I thought it was...

Fish: Doesn't matter. Pull your head out.

(ILMH walks rhythmically down the aisle, fist pounding every girl on either side, blowing each fist bump up.)

JMBB: Man, he sure is fisting every single one of those young women...

(ILMH turns around to flirt with a particularly attractive dancer from his entrance. While ILMH waxes poetic to the young lady, closing in on getting her to agree to let him get to 6th base later that evening, LegendKillerRAB stirs from his seemingly comatose state. LKR, seeing ILMH's back turned, stands groggily and runs to jump him but when he reaches ILMH, he gets spun and Irish whipped back down the ramp where he is met by...)

Fish: CrayZ Cutter on LKR! ILMH is known for always having his head on a swivel!

(ILMH picks up his phone, waving happily to the crowd between fist bumps as he struts his way down the entrance ramp. As he is on his way to the ring, he can hear a young fan calling to him. The kid is one of the fans who was covered in ash from ILMH’s entrance pyro-doves, which gets ILMH’s attention.)

Young fan (waving his arms and jumping up and down): ILMH! ILMH! Sign my face where the ashes landed!

ILMH (walking over): Sure thing sport! (Using his finger, ILMH forms the ash into a replica of the Warrior face paint before writing on the letters “I L M H” on the child’s forehead.) Perfect! Don’t ever wash your face again kid, it might be worth something someday.

(Having signed his biggest fan’s face, ILMH walks casually to the ring where CrayZ, Gangone, and Birt all wait for him, sensing the imminent threat that is his entrance into the ring.)

Fish: Oh my god! LKR is Strifing up! (LKR begins to Hulk out after what seems to be the 25th cutter he's received.) And ILMH is none the wiser!

JMBB: This is truly a worst case scenario for the freshest man in the ring, an angry killer on one side, and on the other, you have a One Man Gang, a chain smoking cutter machine, and a spokesperson for Easter Seals.

(ILMH continues to strut cheerfully waving away. LKR climbs the security barrier, running along it measuring up ILMH.)

JMBB: This doesn't bode well, I smell a Mega Buster!

(ILMH turns and LKR flips into him, going for a Mega Buster on the outside, ILMH swings his phone and catches him mid flip, causing LKR to collapse head first into the ground)

Fish: OH SNAP! He used his finisher, the "It's For You," as a reversal! amazing!

(ILMH continues down, phone in hand, waving until he gets to the apron. Crayz, Birt, and Gangone all taking up predatory positions. ILMH rolls in, and proceeds to get stomped by all three.)

JMBB: This is just smart rumbling! Take out the new guy, take away his advantage!

(All three pick him up, Gangone and Birt holding ILMH up while CrayZ goes off the opposite ropes running into a boot to the gums from ILMH)

Fish: The man is just resilient! You can't keep him.. Oh wow! he just clunked Birt and Gargamel's heads together like coconuts like the Three Stooges! Now ILMH winds up for an eye poke to Crayz, but Crayz blocks it by putting his hand up between his fingers!

JMBB: Oh my god! ILMH anticipated it by holding his fist out! CrayZ hits it! Oh man! what action, ILMH just swung his arm, using Crayz's own momentum mind you and BOPS HIM ON THE HEAD! This is insane!

(ILMH waves to the crowd, and points to his phone, receiving a monsterous pop)

Fish: looks like there is going to be some reaching out and touching of someone!

(ILMH rolls outside, grabbing his phone as he rolls)

JMBB: What the hell is he doing? His opponents are IN th....

(ILMH runs and It's For Yous LKR as he is on one knee recovering)

JMBB: Oh right.

(ILMH rolls back into the ring, phone in hand.)

Fish: Here it comes....

(ILMH motions Birt to stand, and he holds onto a rope, not even turning around as he gets an It's For You)

JMBB: That sick bastard is going to have to add brain damage to his list of ailments! Oh, wait... One Flew Over The Gang's Nest is gettin... (ILMH clobbers Gangone with the ol' rotary) .... and he's back down.

(ILMH measures up Crayz who is getting up, the fans chant "It's a phone call!" and clap rhythmically)

Fish: aaaaannnnnddddd.....

(ILMH swings, CrayZ ducks, ILMH swings again with a back swing, CrayZ ducks again)

JMBB: I'm actually surprised that he's got the cardio to evade that much. It really is that bad.

CrayZ (turning to yell at JMBB): I've had no complaints!

(He turns back around to the painful clang of a devastating It's For You)

JMBB: Man, that's not going to be good for his dental hygiene,

Fish: I'm sure he won't have any complaints.

Crowd: 10...9... 8...

(ILMH stands, waving to the crowd.... holding both arms in the air.)

Fish: Oh yes! We know whats coming next!

Crowd: 7... 6... 5...

(ILMH starts breakdancing)

JMBB: This isn't Step Up! This is the AF Rumble! Stop showboating and throw out a smoker or a hypochondriac!

Crowd: 4... 3... 2... 1...
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Mon May 24, 2010 4:11 am

Podcast


Austrian Death Machine - If It Bleeds We Can Kill It


Fish: It's Bando! This man is evil incarnate!

JMBB: No, he isn't! Look, he's also going to sign a child's face!

(Bando methodically approaches a frightened child with a ballpoint pen and an excited grin spreading across his face. The kid is trembling in fear. The camera cuts back to ILMH breakdancing in the ring.)

JMBB: Damn that show off! Bando! Go get him! (Camera cuts to Bando chasing the child through the audience as ILMH is seen doing the worm in the ring in the background) Get in the god damn ring!

(Bando works his way through the audience towards the ring and hops the security railing)

Fish: And here he comes! Trouble is a brewin' for either one of these tough... (Bando starts walking back up the ramp way) NOW what?

(Bando approaches LKR stands him up and throat punches him, LKR drops again squirming on the ground clutching his throat and choking)

JMBB: Oh, man Bando has given LegendKillerRAB the Fact Check!

(Bando runs and rolls into the ring, ducks a clothesline from ILMH, low blows him and then gouges his eyes)

Fish: And what an impact already! Taking down the front runner thus far! Uh, oh, looks like Birt is in for trouble!

(Bando picks up Birt, and sets him up in the corner...)

JMBB: Uh oh! We've seen this...

(Bando goes to the opposite corner....)

Fish: Wait a second! No! Bando! Don't!

(Bando runs with his thumbs out, gouging both of Birts eyes)

JMBB: Running eye gouge to both eyes, vicious!

Fish: Birt officially has a malady not caused by his wretched immune system.

JMBB: I wonder if he saw that coming.

Fish: Well it appears that Bando has all but cleared the ring! ILMH incapacitated CrayZ and Gargamel, and pushed them out of the ring for a breakdancing exhibition, which was interrupted by Bando and some of the dirtiest, most despicable moves I have ever bore witness to!

JMBB: True. While the momentum has swung in Bando's favor for the moment, there are stirrings of life on the floor and in the ring as CrayZ and ILMH seem to be recovering.

Crowd: 10... 9... 8...7... 6

Fish: The crowd has started the countdown that can only mean another competitor is on his way to the Rumble!

Crowd: 5... 4... 3...

JMBB: We'll see if the next wrestler has what it takes to topple the Sultan of Sadism!

Crowd: 2... 1...


Podcast


Outkast - Bombs Over Baghdad


(A brightly dressed young man trots out from the entrance and stops only to hold one fist in the air)

JMBB: OH, COME ON!

Fish: While I hate to say it, our next competitor is The Argentinean Manowar, Aldo Herco Montoya. I just can't see him making a big splash in this Rumble, especially not with the talent already in the ring.

JMBB: This guy is a complete jobber! Where did they even find this asshat? Were we really hurting that bad for entrants that we were reduced to this?!

Fish: I wouldn't call him a jobber, he is a perfectly decent... um.... enhancement talent.

JMBB: Call it like it is! This guy is without a shadow of a doubt, the single worst competitor we have seen so far, and that is saying something because Trib has been on the verge of death for almost the entire Rumble!

Fish: Regardless, it looks like he is making his way to the ring. Everyone here needs to pray for this young man and hope that he lives to fight another day once he is eliminated.

(Herco Montoya locks eyes with Bando, points directly at him, and sprints to the ring sliding under the bottom rope)

JMBB: Well, at least he is speeding up this forgone conclusion.

(Herco begins brawling with Bando and after trading several punches, gets the upper hand with a series of kicks followed by a roundhouse which knocks Bando off his feet.)

Fish: Wow! Talk about exceeding expectations, Herco has taken control of the ring by absolutely decking Bando! But it may be short lived because CrayZ is climbing back to the apron.

(CrayZ climbs onto the apron only to be met with a double drop kick from Herco which launches him back to the floor)

JMBB (at CrayZ): You're not hurt! Get back in there!

(CrayZ sits up and looks around as though thinking for a moment, he then reaches in his pocket, pulls out a cigarette, and takes another smoke break.)

JMBB: Are you serious?! (CrayZ looks disinterestedly at JMBB before motioning to his cigarette and then sprawling out on the floor looking at the ceiling while smoking)

JMBB: Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Fish: The action in the ring is picking up! Aldo Herco Montoya and ILMH are now having it out!

JMBB: Good. I can already picture ILMH rearranging Herco's eyesockets with a rotary phone!

Fish: A disturbing thought to say the least.

(Herco and ILMH trade a series of punches before ILMH catches him and whips him against the ropes. Herco runs the ropes, approaching where ILMH is bent over to launch him with a backdrop. When Herco gets to ILMH, he stops and delivers an enziguri, which levels ILMH, who falls in a heap to the mat.)

JMBB: Dammit! What is wrong with these AFers?! This guy is just a Justin Credible rip off! Honestly, who can't beat Justin Credible!?

(Gangone gets back into the ring and attacks Herco)

Fish: It looks like Gangstalicious is the next to challenge Herco!

JMBB: Now we're talking! I hope he Pump Kicks that fucker into next week!

(Herco gets a head of steam and delivers a flying heel kick squarely to Gangone's chin, causing him to spin completely around head first into a turnbuckle.)

JMBB: This is some kind of sick joke.

Fish: I think we just underestimated the talents that Aldo Herco Montoya obviously possesses.

(JMBB glares at Fish without responding.)

Fish: Good news ladies and gentlemen! It appears that Trib is showing signs of life! Apparently his vision has returned and he is focusing his anger on Herco!

JMBB: I hope that he is contagious and that he gives Herco the bubonic plague.

Fish: That's really a bit much...

JMBB: I can't stand this rookie getting the upper hand on established veterans!

(Trib charges at Herco, delivering a big boot, knocking Herco off his feet)

JMBB: Hell yeah!

Fish: No, he hasn't entered the Rumble so far.

JMBB: I really hate you sometimes.

(Trib picks Herco back up off the mat and throws him into a turnbuckle. Trib mounts the turnbuckle and begins raining punches down on Herco)

Fish: Herco's in a bad spot now! Trib has completely gained the upper hand and is just pummeling him relentlessly!

JMBB: About time someone whipped this little upstart's ass!

Fish: Oh come on now, he has given a fantastic showing for himself!

JMBB: He's giving a great showing of himself right now! I could watch Trib bludgeon him senseless all night!

(Herco reaches up and shoves Trib off of him. Trib falls from the second turnbuckle onto his back. Herco picks him up and begins motioning to the crowd)

Herco: It is O Fim!

JMBB: It's what?!

Fish: O Fim is Herco's finishing maneuver.

JMBB: What the shit kind of name for a move is that?

Fish: O Fim means "The End" in Portuguese

JMBB: ...and that has what to do with Herco?

Fish: What do you mean?

JMBB: They don't speak PORTUGUESE in Argentina!

Fish: Uh huh...

JMBB: It makes no fucking sense!

Fish: Neither does your blind hatred towards Herco, but here we are.

(JMBB glares at Fish)

JMBB (muttering): Who put the assholes with no sense of continuity in charge of this shit?

(Herco runs toward the turnbuckle and then performs Sliced Bread #2 to perfection.)

Fish: This may be all for Trib as Herco is setting him up for a catapult that has him aimed to go over the top!

(Herco locks in the catapult and launches Trib over the top, causing him to crash into the guard rail next to CrayZ, who is startled by the sudden arrival of a pox marked body)

CrayZ (sitting up and yelling at Herco): DUDE! (Points at his cigarette) Come on!

(Herco raises both his arms in triumph, only to be blindsided by a fully recovered Bando. Bando points to his head, insinuating that he is more intelligent than Herco. Bando is in turn blindsided by ILMH, who grabs his own crotch and points at the crowd who erupt into cheers.)

JMBB: I haven’t seen this many people cheer a man groping himself since the late, great King of Pop, Michael Jackson!

Fish: Truer words never spoken.

(Bando and Herco both return to their feet, as does Gangone, and a fourway brawl erupts in the middle of the ring.)

JMBB: Now we’re talking! The action is back in the AF Rumble as fists, feet, (Gangone head butts Herco) and FOREHEADS are flying in every direction!

Crowd: 10… 9… 8… 7… 6…

Fish: We have movement backstage as the crowd indicates another combatant is about to enter the arena. With all the surprises we’ve had so far, I can’t even fathom what could come out of the back next.

Crowd: 5… 4… 3…

JMBB: Hopefully it will be a force of nature so brutal, so overwhelmingly destructive, so malicious, that it will result in a total massacre of any and everyone who might stand before it’s path!

Crowd: 2… 1…


Podcast


Austrian Death Machine - If It Bleeds We Can Kill It



(The curtain rips open and a large muscular man comes bounding out from the back with the enthusiasm of a puppy going for a walk)

Fish: So much for that unstoppable evil you were hoping for.

JMBB: Yeah, but it isn’t a complete loss. Who do you know that's stronger than JohnnyAwesome?

Fish: I’m not sure they make ‘em stronger than Johnny.

(JohnnyAwesome practically skips to the ring, unable to hide his glee as he is ready to have his turn in the competition. As he is bouncing to the ring he notices LegendKillerRAB lying on the ground, dazed and injured from the numerous head shots he has taken. Johnny, however, believes LKR to be merely resting.)

JohnnyAwesome: Hey there mate! You need some help getting back in the ring? Well hang tight, I’ll get you on your way there fella! (Johnny rolls LKR into the ring) Good luck mate! (Johnny then walks around to the other side of the ring to slap hands with some of his fans. LegendKillerRAB rolls right to the feet of Bando.)

Fish: It looks like LegendKillerRAB could be in more trouble than he was just staying on the outside…

Bando: Talk about the wrong side of town eh? Well let’s get you on your feet then huh? This works better if you’re standing.

(Bando lifts LKR to a standing position. LKR wobbles back and forth for a second just before Bando pulls back and punches LKR in the throat and then clotheslines him over the top rope, eliminating LegendKillerRAB)

Bando (leaning over the top rope yelling at LKR): Up, up, down, down, FUCK YOU! Game over! No continues, bitch!

(Bando turns around into Herco who has been lining him up while he was yelling at LKR. Herco kicks Bando in the gut before hitting a Sliced Bread #2 on Bando)

JMBB: Out of nowhere! That rookie bastard, Herco, has leveled Bando with O Fim! This could be all she wrote for the Messiah of Malice!

Fish: It definitely looks like Herco is going to toss Bando out…

(Herco picks Bando up and grabs him by the head, gets a running start and launches him over the ropes on the opposite side of the ring)

JMBB: Bando is airborne!

JohnnyAwesome (Racing to catch Bando): I gotcha buddy!

Fish: Amazing! JohnnyAwesome has caught Bando in midair and saved him from certain elimination! Who could ask for a more dedicated tag partner than Johnny?

JMBB: Certainly not Bando, at the moment.

JohnnyAwesome: Crikey! That was a close one, mate!

Bando: Get me back in there!

JohnnyAwesome: You got it, pal.

(Johnny throws Bando over the top of the ropes and back into the ring. Bando lands on his feet but stumbles on the landing, allowing Herco to hit O Fim again. Johnny sees this and rushes to the aid of his tag partner.)

JohnnyAwesome (sliding into the ring): That’ll be enough of that now fella! (Throws Herco across the ring, away from Bando) Open season on Bandicoots is over! (Johnny places Bando against the corner turnbuckle and stands guard in front of him, effectively protecting him from all other combatants in the Rumble)

Fish: What a truly amazing display of friendship, I think we can all agree that JohnnyAwesome and Bando are the best of friends… or at least that Johnny is the best friend that Bando could ever hope for.

JMBB: Truly reminiscent of Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption.

Fish: Except for the criminal part.

JMBB: Well… for Johnny at least. I could see Bando doing some serious time with his antics, but damn if they aren't effective.

Crowd: 10…9…8…7…

Fish: The crowd has begun signaling for the next participant.

Crowd: 6… 5… 4… 3…

JMBB: With six of the seven competitors in a standoff in the ring, and some lazy asshole having a smoke break, we’re hoping to see someone who will bring the pain back to this Rumble.

Crowd: 2… 1…

Fish: And the next competitor is…
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Tue Jun 15, 2010 1:55 am


Linkin Park - No More Sorrow


JMBB: That music can only mean that we’re going to see another Flock member enter the competition.

(MKDisciple walks out of the entrance, stops at the top of the ramp, and peers down to the ring)

Fish: Wow! Our next competitor is MKDisciple! MKD has a bit of a tyrannical streak in him, but it makes for excellent team work, as long as his team mates do exactly what he says.

JMBB: It’s called being a leader.

(MKD jogs down to the ring and slides under the bottom rope. He immediately notices Gangone.)

MKD: Gandalf! Pull yourself together! We have to show these mainstream oppressors that we aren’t going to be their victims anymore!

Gangone: Seriously. Not my name...

MKD: There’s no time for that! (Pointing at Herco who is just beginning to stir after the tremendous tossing Johnny gave him) Look! Easy pickings!

Gangone: Fine. But my name is Gangone, dammit!

MKD: Whatever you say. It’s stomping time!

(MKD and Gangone begin putting the boots to Herco.)

Fish: At this point you have to say that The Flock should have a definite numbers advantage over everyone else in this Rumble except perhaps Johnny and Bando.

JMBB: Well, Bando is still recovering from the beating he took from Herco, who coincidentally is on the receiving end of a beating of his own.

Fish: Regardless, just because they have the advantage doesn’t mean they had to go after the guy who was the least able to defend himself.

JMBB: It’s a solid strategy for two reasons. One, Herco is a rookie shit head…

Fish: He’s been a solid competitor so far!

JMBB: I’ll just ignore that outburst. And two, this is an every-man-for-himself over the top Rumble. If you can find someone in that ring that will help you advance further in it, you take advantage of that and get rid of the guys who lack social skills.

Fish: Right, the two guys stomping the one guy are the ones with social skills.

JMBB: At least they have each other.

Crowd: 10… 9… 8… 7…

Fish: It looks like they will have someone else joining in too.

JMBB: I’m hoping we get the final member of the Flock in there to really take things over.

Crowd: 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…


Superjoint Ritual - It Takes No Guts


(Everyone in the ring stops what they are doing and looks up to the entrance ramp, waiting to see who is entering the Rumble.)

JMBB: That’s some really intense music; I wonder what monster is coming out to that?!

Fish: The level of intensity in the arena has certainly picked up. All the competitors have stopped everything and are just watching the ramp to see what cruel fate awaits them.

JMBB: Based on the music, it’s definitely not the final Flock member, MarvelousMe. Sigh… politics.

(As though in answer to everyone’s collective curiosity, a spritely young lady comes skipping out of the entrance and down the ramp to the ring with a picnic basket.)

JMBB: Uhh….

Fish: Well, it appears that Sugarpop has made her appearance in the AF Rumble… and she brought a picnic basket with her.

JMBB: What? What is happening?

(Sugarpop skips to the announce table, reaches into the basket, and hands JMBB and Fish one cookie each.)

Fish: Thanks!

JMBB: Uh… yeah… err… thanks

Sugarpop: <3 tee hee you’re welcome! <3

(Sugarpop prances around the ring before climbing the steps up to the apron. JohnnyAwesome scurries over to hold the ropes for her.)

Sugarpop: tee hee such a gentleman! Have a cookie! tee hee

(Johnny picks a cookie out of the basket and eats it quickly.)

Sugarpop: Everybody have a cookie! I baked enough for everyone to have one each <3

(Everyone moves forward to get a cookie from the basket. CrayZ climbs back into the ring and after everyone else has a cookie, he takes two.)

Sugarpop: You took two! There were only enough for everyone to have one! It will be ruined if everybody can’t share the treats!

CrayZ (while shoving both cookies in his mouth): Ehh, I’ve had better. They won’t even notice that they missed out on anything.

(CrayZ turns around to brush the cookie crumbs off his hands. He turns around only to be met by a shrieking Sugarpop who hits her version of a Cutter on him.)

JMBB (spitting cookie crumbs everywhere while talking): Pshte isth tha Thookie Thutter!

Fish: Uhh… yeah… that. Also, Sugarpop just hit the Cookie Cutter on CrayZ!

JMBB: That’s what I said!

Fish: No. You didn’t make words. (Sugarpop grabs a facedown CrayZ by the hair and begins slamming his face into the mat) Wow, Sugarpop is really laying into CrayZ now.

JMBB: There are only a few things you never badmouth to a woman, and her cooking skills are one of them.

Sugarpop (half-screaming, half-crying, continuing to batter CrayZ’s face into the mat): So rude! I went to all that trouble! Spent all day! And you said you didn’t even like them! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

(All the other competitors watch the beating in terror at the unleashed fury that Sugarpop has become.)

Fish: I know this is a fight and all, but someone should probably stop her or CrayZ is going to be nothing more than a stain on the canvas.

JMBB: That can’t be allowed! Not to the most active member of AF for the next 4 months! Someone stop that woman!

(JohnnyAwesome grabs Sugarpop by the shoulders and pulls her off of the now bloodied CrayZ)

JohnnyAwesome: You have to stop; you’re going to kill him!

Sugarpop (shaking): I don’t… I don’t know what came over me… he didn’t like the cookies… and he took two... and then I was just pummeling him…

JohnnyAwesome: It will be alright… just go put yourself in the corner with my #1 mate in the world, Bando. Get your composure together and then you can get back in this thing!

Sugarpop (walking over to Bando’s corner): teehee OK! teehee

JohnnyAwesome (turning to face everyone else in the ring): Alright blokes, time in!

(The ring erupts into pandemonium as everybody begins fighting at once, except Bando and Sugarpop who are in the corner recuperating and CrayZ who rolls out of the ring once again. JohnnyAwesome and ILMH begin trading blows back and forth with Johnny laughing after every blow he takes and ILMH trying to laugh over Johnny every time he lands a blow. MKD and Gangone attempt to double team the infuriatingly elusive Herco who is utilizing a series of drop kicks to keep one of them off their feet at all times, while also dodging their attacks.)

Sugarpop (breathing heavily in the corner): So, Bando… how did you like the cookies?

Bando (with the grin of a fox in the chicken coop): I liked them… what kind of cookies were they again?

Sugarpop (delightedly): tee hee They were chocolate chip oatmeal cookies! tee hee

Bando: Ah... yes. They were missing something though… I needed a glass of milk to go with them… because without a drink they gave me the most peculiar feeling in my throat.

Sugarpop (confused): What do you mean?

Bando: It felt strange when I was swallowing them…

Sugarpop (concerned): Like what?

Bando: Like this! (Bando punches Sugarpop in the throat before throwing her over the top of the ropes and eliminating her. He then slides under the ropes, throat punches the prone Sugarpop again and climbs back into the ring.)

JMBB: God, he’s just fucking evil!

Bando (leaning over the top rope yelling): It’s AF Rumble! Not AF Clean the Fucking House and Have Dinner on the Table When I Get Home!

Fish: Bando really has gone too far this time… she wasn’t even trying to fight him… they were having a conversation!

JMBB: Well… they were… and then I guess Bando decided to Check his Facts. He’s as devious as he is lethal. Folks, let’s take another look at what just happened, can we get a replay from the back?

AF Production Truck Replay wrote: Sugarpop: What do you mean?

Bando: It felt strange when I was swallowing them…

Sugarpop (concerned): Like what?

Bando: Like this! (Bando punches Sugarpop in the throat before throwing her over the top of the ropes and eliminating her. He then slides under the ropes, throat punches the prone Sugarpop again and climbs back into the ring.)


Fish: Absolutely despicable.

(Bando turns around only to be bumped into by Herco who was Irish Whipped by MKDisciple.)

Bando: You fuck… I’ll fix you… Johnny! Johnny! Help! Look what Herco did to Sugarpop! (Hearing Bando’s calls for help, JohnnyAwesome knocks ILMH off his feet with a big boot and runs to Bando’s side.)

JohnnyAwesome: What happened mate!? (He sees Sugarpop laid out on the floor clutching her throat) Who did that?!

Bando: Herco attacked us while we discussing different knitting techniques!

JohnnyAwesome (infuriated): WHAT?! (turning to Herco) YOU! YOU DID THIS?!

Herco: No! It was Ban… (Johnny levels Herco with a clothesline. He then stomps Herco in the chest repeatedly.)

JohnnyAwesome: You are no longer worthy to be in this competition! (Johnny grabs Herco by the feet and spins him faster and faster in the middle of the ring before letting go. Herco soars out of the ring and into the crowd before crashing into a group of fat men wearing your least favorite wrestler’s merchandise.)

Fish: What a horrible fate for Herco! He gave a strong showing for himself, eliminating Trib and being overmatched by two members of the Flock before finally being eliminated by an enraged JohnnyAwesome, who was deceived by Bando.

JMBB: You make a good point Fish, he was god awful.

Fish: That’s not even close to what I said. You just completely disregarded everything I said…

JMBB: And don’t I know it!

Crowd: 10… 9… 8…

Fish: Well… with one out, it appears that another will enter the fray!

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

JMBB: I’m really hoping for Supermatt! I feel like he has what it takes to really turn this Rumble into a blood bath!

Crowd: 4…3…2…1…
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:48 pm

JMBB: Where is our next competitor?

(An older man comes scurrying out from the back and runs out to the announce table)

JMBB: Who are you?

Fish: Don’t be a douche, JMBB, this guy is a legend. It’s Marv Fucking Albert!

Marv Albert: Glad to be here fellas. Tonight’s matchup is: Everybody in that ring versus…


Podcast


Scooter - Fire


Marv Albert: …JAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

(Jam comes jogging out of the entrance in basketball warm up gear, slapping the hands of fans as he jogs down the ramp and then around the ring. He rips off his warm up gear and then is handed a small container of baby powder which he puts on his hands before climbing atop the announcer table and clapping his hands over his head, causing the powder to form a small cloud falling down on top of JMBB and Fish)

JMBB: Is all that (cough) really necessary? (cough)

Marv Albert: IT’S GOOD!

JMBB: What, exactly, is good about it?

Fish: Don’t question him JMBB, he’s a legend.

JMBB: And that means that he doesn’t need to focus on his commentary? He can just prattle on about whatever he wants throwing out clichéd catchphrases?

Marv Albert: YES!

(Fish and Marv Albert fist bump, blowing it up)

Marv Albert: (while blowing it up) BOOMSHAKALAKA!

(Jam, having finished his pre-match ritual, climbs onto the apron, and springboards off the rope into the ring, hitting ILMH with a flying forearm.)

Marv Albert: FROM OUTSIDE! YES!

JMBB: Jesus Christ Marv! You’re on a microphone you don’t have to yell everything!

Fish: Hey! He’s a legend, if he wants to exclaim everything, who are you to stifle his flair?

JMBB (muttering): …An announcer who wasn’t fired by NBC for a sex crime…

Fish: What was that?

JMBB: Oh, nothing.

(Bando advances on Jam. Jam looks up and points in the air, causing Bando to look.)

Marv Albert: HEAD FAKE!

(Jam slaps Bando across the face, sending him reeling and the remaining powder residue from Jam’s pre-match ritual to float into the air. Bando rolls the rest of the way out of the ring to regain his bearings after the vicious slap from Jam.)

Marv Albert: SWEET TOUCH!

Fish: I would say that Bando is currently disagreeing with that assessment Marv, but it couldn’t have been any sweeter for Jam.

JMBB: Haha, Jam is sweet. Nice wordplay, Fish.

Fish: What?

JMBB: Never mind. This is seriously the worst gig ever.

Crowd: 10… 9…

JMBB: There is no way that it is time for the next competitor yet!

Fish: Well, they’re counting down, and that’s really the only timer we’ve got.

Crowd: 8… 7…

(MKD and Gangone both rush Jam, hoping to stop his momentum before the next competitor arrives. Jam ducks their attacks, runs the ropes and hits both men with a flying cross body.)

Crowd: 6… 5…

(Jam gets to his feet first and backs away from the two men. Gangone makes it up to a knee first, only to have Jam hit him with a Shining Wizard.)

Fish: Well, Ginseng almost made it up, but Jam was having none of it!

Marv Albert: REJECTED!

Crowd: 4… 3…

(MKD gets to his feet and is whipped off the ropes by Jam. Jam sets up a backdrop close to the ropes, looking to eliminate MKD using his own momentum. MKD comes running back at Jam and is launched into the air, but manages to grab the top rope as he is going over, leaving him dangling just a foot or two from elimination.)

JMBB: Incredible save by MKD! I can’t believe he warded off elimination there!

(Jam sees MKD dangling, runs off the opposite rope and double dropkicks MKD in the back after gaining a full head of steam. The kick sends MKD flying into the guardrail, eliminating him.)

Crowd: 2… 1…

Fish: Wow! That’s a total surprise elimination! I had MKDisciple in my final four for the Rumble! Just goes to show how unpredictable things can be in the AF Rumble!

JMBB: You don’t need to shill the damn thing, it’s already in progress.



Red Rider - Lunatic Fringe


(A man walks out onto the entrance ramp in a hooded robe and faces away from the ring. After 51 seconds he spins around and throws the hood off his robe revealing his face. )

Fish: Here’s a face we haven’t seen in a while! It’s Exino Qua!

JMBB: Um… Exino Qua and Flying Ex are the same person… he just changed his name when we came over to AF.

Fish: Seriously?

JMBB: Yes… it’s clearly the same guy, he just took a shower.

Fish: Go figure. I never would have guessed it at all. It doesn’t look like the competition is going to stop just for Exino Qua to enter though; Gang Starr and Jam are still beating each other senseless.

JMBB: Well, half of that is happening at least…

(Jam is pummeling Gangone in the middle of the ring. He drags him to the ropes and continues the beating. Jam knees Gangone in the gut twice before winding up and delivering a discus lariat, sending him over the top of the ropes and to the floor, eliminating Gangone.)

Marv Albert: HE’S HEATING UP!

Fish: That’s all for Gangone it would appear, he did give an excellent showing for himself, outlasting both robots and the one man murder squad known as Foxxc.

JMBB: Wait… his name was Gangone?

(Jam poses in the middle of the ring, while Exino Qua takes his robe off and prepares to enter. Inside the ring, JohnnyAwesome and ILMH have once again begun trading blows in a game of one-upmanship, where ILMH is thoroughly outmatched by Johnny’s overwhelming brawn. Outside the ring, CrayZ is leaning against the guardrail, examining dirt underneath his fingernails. Bando, having fully recovered from his slapping, is halfway underneath the ring, throwing out various objects in what appears to be a frantic search for something.)

Bando (emerging from under the ring): YES! I found it!

(In his right hand appears a bottle of grain alcohol and in his left hand a lighter.)

Fish: So… Bando is planning to get really drunk?

JMBB: A bold strategy. I wonder if it will pay off.

(Back in the ring, Exino Qua enters the ring and begins slugging it out with Jam. The two appear to be exchanging blows at an equal rate until Jam hits a spinning backfist out of nowhere, knocking Exino Qua against the ropes. Bando cracks open the bottle of grain alcohol and takes a huge swig. Meanwhile, Jam gets a running start and clotheslines Exino Qua over the top rope, onto the floor where he lands on his feet next to where Bando is standing, eliminating Exino Qua.)

Marv Albert: FOR THREE! YES! HE’S ON FIRE!!!

(Bando ignites the lighter and spits the alcohol through the flame onto Exino Qua, creating a massive fireball.)

Fish: Holy shit! He’s seriously on fire!

Bando: Ha! Another shrimp on the barbie, eh? How do you like me now Marv Albert?!

(Exino Qua runs screaming back up the entrance ramp, completely on fire.)

JMBB: Wow. That was completely bad ass. Generally when someone blows a fireball in a match, it just singes a few eye brows, but Exino Qua was actually on fire. That ruled. If anyone is going to win this thing, it has to be Bando. What won’t this man do to his opponents?

(Exino Qua reaches the top of the ramp, where WWEvsTNA is waiting with a microphone and a fire extinguisher. After putting out the flames that had engulfed Exino Qua briefly, WWEvsTNA begins conducting an interview with ExinoQua.)

WWEvsTNA: Exino Qua, you’ve just been eliminated from the AF Rumble and then you were set on fire, how are you feeling right now?

Exino Qua (smoke is still rising from his lightly charred body): Pretty terrible. Though I wasn’t all that badly burned, I still did get eliminated. It’s tough to take a loss like that.

WWEvsTNA: Is the loss compounded by the fact that you entered the Rumble twice and both times were unsuccessful?

Exino Qua: Most definitely. It’s made all the worse considering that I was eliminated quicker in those two attempts than anyone else in the Rumble.

WWEvsTNA: So, what are your post-Rumble plans?

Exino Qua: Well, the Rumble isn’t quite over yet… unlike this interview.

WWEvsTNA: Thanks for your time Exino Qua, back to the Rumble.

(CrayZ gets up from his spot leaning against the rail, lights another cigarette, and walks over to the announce table where he joins JMBB, Fish, and Marv Albert.)

Fish: Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that CrayZ will be joining us at the announce table at this time. CrayZ, welcome aboard.

CrayZ: Glad to be here although I must say that I’m very disturbed by some of the things I’ve seen tonight.

JMBB: Well, Bando has been on a bit of a rampage…

CrayZ: Bando? What? No! Exino Qua and Flying Ex are the problem! Double entrants!? That is completely against the rules of AF and he knows it! Such blatant flaunting of the rules, he is lucky that he got eliminated and lit on fire. After this is all over, I will have to send him a stern PM and give him an infraction.

Fish: So to be clear… there will be no repercussions for Bando lighting Exino Qua on fire?

CrayZ: Well, maybe a light warning for Flaming, which is a bit of a no-no here at AF, but nothing more than a slap on the wrist as long as he cleans up his act. What he did was essentially “catch as catch can,” so really, no harm done.

Fish: Except to Exino Qua…

CrayZ: …who is a fucking cheater and rule breaker anyways. Multiple accounts? Really? You’d never see that kind of bullshit from any of The Kings, I’ll tell you that much.

Fish: Hmm… As a competitor, what insight can you give us into this match?

CrayZ: There are several decent competitors left. Jam obviously came out and really took it to everyone in the ring, but you can’t keep up a pace like that all night. He simply doesn’t have that kind of cardio. Johnny has been Awesome, but he lacks the killer instinct needed to win this sort of match. Bando is… simply terrifying. ILMH is the oddball in the mix, what is he even thinking to go after JohnnyAwesome (motions back to the ring where ILMH is running off the ropes and attempting to shoulder tackle Johnny who is not even being moved by the efforts.) Still, persistence like that really can pay off in the long run. If I had to predict which of the five men still in the match would go the farthest, I would have to say that I am the most likely to win.

JMBB: You? You’ve been smoking most of the match!

CrayZ: What? I’ve just been biding my time. If I choose to burn one, who are you to judge?

Fish: Well spoken CrayZ. Will you be rejoining the match or sticking with us for a while?

CrayZ: (taking out another cigarette) I think I will just bide a little more time…

JMBB: You lazy bastard.

(CrayZ completely ignores JMBB. In the ring, Bando has rejoined the fight. Johnny and Bando are facing off with ILMH and Jam. They gain an advantage when Bando low blows Jam and then gives him a 12 to 6 elbow to the back of the head. Johnny whips ILMH off the ropes and gives him a backdrop, leaving him writhing on the mat.)

JohnnyAwesome: Good work mate! We used teamwork and good fair play to overcome worthy opponents!

Bando: Oh yeah… most definitely… maybe after the Rumble they will get wings with us!

JohnnyAwesome: You’re always thinking about how we can make new buds to pal around with Bando! You’re my best mate! (Claps Bando on the back, nearly knocking Bando over)

Bando: (muttering) Clumsy bastard… I should have lit him on fire instead…

JohnnyAwesome: Whoa there mate, didn’t mean to clap you so hard. No hard feelings! We can still get wings right?

Bando: (muttering) Hopefully you will choke on them

JohnnyAwesome: What’s that?

Bando: Err... I said of course we can get wings… the spicier the better!

Crowd: 10… 9…8…

JohnnyAwesome: Sounds like my kind of post-match celebration!

Crowd: 7…6…5…

JohnnyAwesome: I really hope everyone else will come and hang out! Why wouldn’t they though? We’re pretty much the nicest blokes around!

Crowd: 4…3…

Bando: God this is getting absolutely painful. I might have to put the simp down…

JohnnyAwesome: You say something?

Crowd: 2…

Bando: I said I think we’re about to meet another opponent

JohnnyAwesome: Crikey! You’re right! I hope he’s a strong bloke who enjoys a sportmanlike contest of strength and will!

Crowd: 1…
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Tue Aug 03, 2010 10:34 pm

Fish: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to find out who the 19th entrant to the AF Rumble will be!

JMBB: 19? What an odd number to get excited about.

Fish: What do you mean?

JMBB: You would have thought that we would have hyped at 15 or something. I mean, 15 would mean that half the competitors had entered. It just seems like that would make more sense.

Fish: 15? That’s dumb. I think 19 is a good enough number to hype. What do you think Marv Albert?

Marv Albert: IT’S GOOD!

JMBB: Stop yelling into the mic!

CrayZ: (takes a drag from his cigarette) Hey Marv, do the one I like.

Marv Albert: BOOMSHAKALAKA!

CrayZ (high fives Marv Albert): Awesome!

JMBB: Jesus Christ! Can we stay on topic? Let’s be professional.

Fish: This is professionalism at its finest. We have Marv fucking Albert in the booth. You don’t bring in Marv Albert and not utilize him to the best of his abilities.

JMBB: …I hate you.

Fish: Moving on…

Podcast


Beastie Boys - Sabotage


Fish: Here comes lucky number 19!

(A man in a full denim outfit enters the ramp way. He takes a roll of paper towels and rolls it down the ramp, creating a paper carpetway.)

JMBB: Holy shit! It’s the ruthless gun for hire, Bounty!

Fish: Bounty is notorious for handling his business in a manner that always ends with him coming out on top. We saw him on the phone conducting a business deal. To quote Mr. T, “I pity the fool” who has Bounty coming after him.

(Bounty begins walking with a purpose down the towel carpet. He takes off his denim vest and bedazzled sunglasses and throws them both at WWEvsTNA, who catches them. Lord Akiyama runs over to WWEvsTNA, snatches the vest and sunglasses, puts them on, and pushes his camera into WWEvsTNA’s hands. WWEvsTNA gives a deep sigh before taking a picture of Lord Akiyama in the vest and glasses giving the camera the thumbs up.)

JMBB: Bounty is certainly one of the more intimidating opponents that you could throw into the Rumble. The only detriment to Bounty is that he is more about the money than the victory.

CrayZ: Good for him. He wasn’t going to win anyways.

Fish: How can you know?

CrayZ: Who are you sitting next to? I’ve been in this Rumble longer than anyone else so far. I’ve got the cardio… (coughes violently) to win this whole thing.

JMBB: Yeah… has anyone ever told you that you could probably use an inhaler?

CrayZ: No. And they would have no reason to. Besides, I’m due for some back up soon. There are only 11 more entrants left after Bounty and two of them are my fellow Kings, Rich0 and IWND. On top of that lethal combination, we will unveil the newest member of the Three Kings!

Fish: Would that make you the Four Kings?

CrayZ: What? No! Don’t be stupid! We got all these Three Kings t-shirts printed up two weeks ago and we won’t sell any of them if we change our name now!

JMBB: That just seems like it was a poor marketing plan.

CrayZ: Well who the fuck asked you?

JMBB: Indeed. In other news, Bounty has yet to enter the ring but is instead just staring a hole directly through JohnnyAwesome.

JohnnyAwesome: Hey Bando, this bloke looks like he has a problem with me. I remembered to send him a Christmas card last Christmas didn’t I? I try to always include everyone in the magic of Christmas.

Bando: Somehow, I really doubt that’s his problem Johnny.

(Bounty enters the ring and continues to stare menacingly at Johnny.)

JohnnyAwesome: Hmm… I wonder what it is. Hey there fella! What’s the problem? I know we’re opponents, but there is nothing wrong with appreciating the strength and determination involved in a well fought contest.

Bounty: It’s nothing personal.

JohnnyAwesome: Then what’s the problem?

Bounty: There’s no problem. You’re just a job to me.

JohnnyAwesome: A job? What job? Who would hire you to take me out? (Turning to Bando) Bando who do you think would…

(Bando abruptly punches Johnny in the throat and then throws the now choking and reeling Johnny over to Bounty.)

Bando: Finish the job!

(Bounty puts Johnny up in a suplex and then delivers a devastating Brainbuster.)

JMBB: Holy shit! Bounty just scrambled Johnny’s brains with that Brainbuster!

(Bounty pulls Johnny up and hits another Brainbuster)

Fish: Johnny was always far too trusting. Bando played him for a fool all along.

(Bando pulls Johnny from the ground and throws him to Bounty)

Bando: Put him up again!

(Bounty puts JohnnyAwesome up in another vertical suplex and drops him on his head again)

JMBB: This is just absolutely disgusting. They’re going to kill JohnnyAwesome in front of everyone.

Fish: It looks like they aren’t done yet either…

(Bounty picks Johnny’s limp body off the ground and puts him into yet another vertical suplex before turning it into a Brainbuster)

Bounty: He’s done.

Bando: Put him out!

JMBB: It looks like they’re finally done murdering Johnny… wait… what is Bounty doing now? Oh not again?!

(Bounty picks JohnnyAwesome up and puts him up into a vertical suplex again. This time Bounty delivers a Brainbuster onto a turnbuckle.)

Fish: That was the worst one yet! Johnny didn’t even hit the mat again, it’s almost like he was just planted directly into the turnbuckle!

(Bando runs to the corner and shoves JohnnyAwesome who crashes to the floor after the vicious attack. He then poses triumphantly with both arms over his head.)

Fish: That’s all for Johnny. He was stabbed in the back by his best friend, possibly murdered, and then eliminated.

JMBB: A damn shame. Johnny looked like he had the power to win the whole thing.

CrayZ: I’m sitting right here.

JMBB: And?

CrayZ: And Johnny had no chance of winning this Rumble. I wasn’t impressed with his cardio. He’s all bulk and no endurance! If he were so strong he would at least be conscious right now.

Fish: He did take five of the most brutal Brainbusters I have ever seen.

CrayZ: That was his first mistake. I would never let someone hit a move like that on me. Look where it’s gotten him.

JMBB: I don’t believe it! JohnnyAwesome is moving! I was sure we had at least a stretcher job in the works there but he is actually getting to his feet!

JohnnyAwesome: Ugh… that bloke delivers a wallop.

Fish: He isn’t human…

Bando: Fucking SuperJohnny! It’s like he’s booked to no sell devastating head injuries!

JohnnyAwesome: Ah, you eliminated me, you sly rascal, you! Well played, mate!

Bando: (enthusiastically) Don't worry buddy! We still on for wings?

JohnnyAwesome: Really? Do you mean it?

Bando: No! You fucking simp!

JohnnyAwesome: Oh… Do you still need a ride home?

Bando: (dejectedly) …Yeah. I'll meet you at the Jeep after.

JohnnyAwesome: Great! See you there mate! (Turns and walks up the ramp, leaving ringside)

JMBB: I might be wrong… but I think that Johnny just no sold Bando stabbing him in the back.

Fish: I guess their friendship is stronger than a probable concussion.

JMBB: At least in Johnny’s eyes.

(Bounty walks over to an unoccupied corner and leans against the ropes.)

Bounty: Well, I would say my job is done here. You fellas feel free to beat each other senseless.

(Jam and ILMH are both recovering and climb back to their feet. They look at each other briefly and then ILMH rushes Bounty and rocks him with a brutal clothesline into the corner. He then begins putting the boots to Bounty as Jam and Bando look on.)

Fish: This is truly a terrible thing to witness. Bro on bro violence is destroying our communities and taking the lives of our children. At this time I am obligated to inform everyone that Joey’s Only is taking measures to eliminate this sort of violence by introducing their new Seafood Chimichanga! Run, don’t walk to your nearest Joey’s Only and bite into the community outreach!

JMBB: (Looks at CrayZ who shrugs and leans back in his chair disinterestedly. Looks back at Fish) What in the shit are you going on about!? Those two things are completely unrelated and how can a chimichanga really save communities?! This is ri-goddamn-diculous!

Fish: (completely ignoring JMBB) Joey’s Only! It’s the best!

JMBB: Enough of that shit! In the ring, Jam is now taking his turn at crushing Bounty.

(Jam stomps Bounty repeatedly before dragging him a few steps from the turnbuckle and climbing to the top.)

Fish: Could it be?! Are we about to see it?! Jam is setting up his signature move and it is called…

(Jam does a Cannonball 450 from the top rope onto Bounty)

Marv Albert: BOOM SHAKA LAKA!

CrayZ: God I love when he says that!

Fish: He’s an announcing god!

(CrayZ and Fish both high five Marv Albert)

JMBB: Enough. That’s enough. (pulls out his cell phone and dials a series of numbers) Yeah it’s JollyMan. I’ve had enough. Get rid of him immediately… No he doesn’t add anything to commentary! He’s a moron! Get somebody out here NOW!

Crowd: 10… 9… 8…

(Two security guards come out of the back and make their way to the announce table)

Crowd: 7... 6… 5…

Security Guard: Come on Mr. Albert, it’s time to go.

Fish: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Don’t take Marv!

Crowd: 4… 3…

(The security guards lead Marv Albert to the back.)

Fish: I can’t believe you would do that to a legend like Marv Albert!

Crowd: 2… 1…

JMBB: Maaaan, fuck Marv Albert.


Podcast


Vitamin String Quartet - Through The Fire And Flames


Fish: It looks like we’re going to get a second King into this match.

(Rich0 appears from the entrance ramp)

JMBB: It’s Rich0!

(CrayZ jumps out of his seat and grabs a microphone.)

CrayZ: Stop! Cut the music! (Rich0’s music stops) I won’t stand for this!

Fish: What seems to be the problem?

CrayZ: I won’t have Rich coming out to such a lackluster entrance. Rich, go back to the back and come out when you hear the music restart. And another thing, blow up some shit for this entrance! He’s a fucking King! He needs pyro!

(Rich0 goes to the back. Everyone in the ring stares at CrayZ in complete disbelief.)

CrayZ: Alright, now let’s do this thing right!


Vitamin String Quartet - Through The Fire And Flames


CrayZ: ahem… (in his best ring announcer’s voice) Now heading to the ring, The Second of the Three Kings, the Master of the Lord Nelson Driver, hailing from Canterbury, England, he is Riiiiiiiiiiiiiich-OHHHHHHHHHHH

(Rich0 walks out of the back to a series of explosions and a shower of pyro.)

CrayZ: Now that’s an entrance! (CrayZ lights another cigarette)

(Rich0 makes his way down to ringside and prepares to enter the ring when Lord Akiyama runs up to him with his camera.)

Lord Akiyama: Rich0 I was wondering if I could get my picture taken with you?

Rich0: Of course! Let's do this thing!

(Lord Akiyama hands his camera to a nearby fan who snaps the picture)

Lord Akiyama: Awesome! Well thanks a lo...

Rich0: Not so fast! CrayZ get over here! (CrayZ takes a long drag on his cigarette before throwing it to the floor and walking over to Lord Akiyama and Rich0)

CrayZ: What? We could really be getting the upper hand in this Rumble you know?

Rich0: First things first, get a picture of Lord Akiyama and me with my camera!

CrayZ: Seriously?

Rich0: Absolutely! Just do it! (Rich0 shoves a camera at CrayZ)

CrayZ: Ok, you guys ready? (Lord Akiyama and Rich0 each strike poses holding one fist up, looking menacing. CrayZ takes the picture.)

Lord Akiyama: Did you get it?

CrayZ: Yeah...

Rich0: Let me see! (Rich0 snatches the camera from CrayZ) That is awesome! Check it out Akiyama!

CrayZ: Yeah it's swell, can we go...

Lord Akiyama: Niiiiiiice, make sure you email me a copy of that!

Rich0: Oh definitely, send me a copy of the one you took.

Lord Akiyama: You’ve got it! (Rich0 and Lord Akiyama high five)

CrayZ: You done now?

Rich0: Yep. Let’s take this thing over… King-style!

(Rich0 and CrayZ both roll into the ring and begin attacking Jam. While ILMH is watching this, Bando attacks him from behind and begins pounding away. Having laid Jam out, The Kings attack Bando. Rich0 delivers a European Uppercut to Bando knocking him backwards to CrayZ who hits a CrayZ Cutter on Bando.)

Fish: This is absolutely nuts. Two of the Three Kings are dismantling the rest of the competition.

JMBB: They’re working in perfect unison with one another; it’s really a thing of beauty to witness the utter devastation they’re inflicting.

Fish: Just think, what if IWillNotDie were in there too? Or this rumored fourth member? It would only be more devastating.

JMBB: Honestly, we’ve seen some really disturbing actions in this Rumble so far: Bando lit someone on fire, Bounty tried to annihilate JohnnyAwesome, but it is really crazy, no pun intended, to think what the Three Kings would be capable of if they were all in the ring at the same time.

Crowd: 10… 9… 8…

JMBB: Does the timing of the entrances seem inconsistent to you?

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

Fish: It’s a Rumble, when have they ever been consistent?

Crowd: 4… 3…

JMBB: I suppose. If this is IWND, the Rumble can just end now.

Fish: There’s only one way to find out! Here comes out next challenger!

Crowd: 2… 1…
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:01 am


Danger Mouse, Jay-Z, and The Beatles - 99 Problems


Fish: You know what that music means!

JMBB: We’re going to see a member of ShArJayde, the problem for either Shade or ArJay is going to be that there is only one of them against two of the Three Kings.

Fish: You mean four Kings.

JMBB: For promotional reasons we aren’t supposed to call them that.

Fish: I mean, there are four members of the Three Kings.

JMBB: We’ve already gone over this. Just let it go.

Fish: Fine. Regardless, here comes… it’s ARJAY!

(ArJay comes sprinting down the aisle and slides under the ropes into the ring. He immediately goes after Rich0 and CrayZ.)

JMBB: ArJay is certainly fired up.

Fish: He’s on fire! (Looks around) I miss Marv Albert.

JMBB: …I hope a bus hits him.

Fish: That’s wildly inappropriate.

(ArJay hits a surprise enziguri on Rich0, who staggers into a corner, dazed. CrayZ and ArJay begin trading punches, with ArJay gaining the upper hand. ArJay whips CrayZ into the corner across from where Rich0 is recuperating.)

JMBB: Here’s a total surprise, ArJay is actually getting the better of the Kings!

Fish: It looks like he’s setting CrayZ up for his “Last Word” superkick!

(ArJay stands in the middle of the ring waiting for CrayZ to stumble out of the corner. The “Last Word” misses when CrayZ ducks under it. CrayZ drops to the ground and Rich0 comes exploding out of the other corner, jumps over CrayZ, and hits a flying shoulder block on ArJay.)

JMBB: They’re ridiculous. The Kings are so in sync right now. ArJay is in trouble as Rich0 has recovered and has regained the advantage.

Fish: CrayZ looks to be regaining his feet as well and we’re back to the numbers game.

(Rich0 pushes ArJay off the ropes and annihilates him with a European Uppercut)

JMBB: Oh my god! That’s an absolutely vicious European Uppercut by Rich0, he really put some English on that one!

Fish: The Kings have shown themselves to be very formidable in the late stages of the Rumble.

JMBB: Wait… is he? Goddammit! CrayZ is having another cigarette! He’s going to go through a whole pack before this thing is over!

(CrayZ lights a cigarette and leans against the ropes puffing happily as Rich0 goes around the ring indiscriminately stomping on ILMH, ArJay, Jam, and Bando.)

Fish: For all his talk about how great his cardio is, he sure does take a lot of breaks.

JMBB: No shit. I’m surprised he made it the whole way down to the ring without needing a breather. It appears that at the moment he is content to let Rich0 do all the work in the ring. I imagine that if emphysema were a contender in the Rumble, it would have eliminated CrayZ already.

CrayZ: (Leaning over the ropes yelling at JMBB) I’m completely healthy! I’m the absolute peak of physical fitness! I just smoke because it looks so cool!

Fish: He’s got a point there, JMBB. It does look really cool.

JMBB: No one is saying that smoking isn’t cool! I’m just saying that CrayZ is eventually going to die from smoking as much as he does.

(While Rich0 is focusing his attack on ArJay in the corner and CrayZ is focusing his attack on his cigarette, ILMH recovers and smacks Jam across his face to revive him. Jam gets up as well and ILMH and Jam attack the Kings once again. ILMH punches CrayZ right in the back of the head, causing him to drop his cigarette out of the ring.)

CrayZ: DUDE! Seriously! Not cool!

(ILMH levels him with a bionic elbow. Jam spins Rich0 around, kicks him in the gut, runs off the ropes and delivers a flying knee lift.)

Fish: Talk about a complete change in momentum! The Kings are reeling!

JMBB: Well, Rich0 was busy keeping the pressure on ArJay, but CrayZ should have been paying more attention to ILMH and Jam and less on his Marlboros.

CrayZ: (from the ground, while ILMH is putting the boots to him) I smoke (ILMH stomps him) ugh Camels!

JMBB: CAMELS!? What? Are you 12?

Crowd: 10... 9…8…

Fish: It looks like we’re going to get another entrant!

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

JMBB: I hope it’s Dancing Queen! I could really stand to see him murder any of these guys!

Crowd: 4… 3… 2…

JMBB: COME ON DQ!!!

Fish: A Blizzard would be delightful now that you mention it.

Crowd: 1…

Podcast


Linkin Park - No More Sorrow


(A man in all black walks out from the entrance carrying a microphone)

JMBB: Oh my god! It’s Marvie!

Fish (stands up and looks around): Marv?! Where?! It’s Good!

JMBB: Not Marv Albert you idiot! It’s the Mad Hatter of AF, the final member of the Flock! MarvelousMe!

MarvelousMe: My brothers are gone
But still I will dominate
Always, the Flock flies!

Fish: Um… why is he talking in haiku?

JMBB: He’s eccentric! You’re questioning why he talks in haiku, but I didn’t hear any complaints when there was not one but two robot entrants, a guy who was essentially the walking plague, a total sadist, a chain smoker…

Fish: I get the idea, we’ve got an eclectic mix here at the AF Rumble…

JMBB: And I don’t even feel like I need to point out how over the top ILMH’s entrance was! That was just excessive and gaudy.

Fish: It worked well for him.

JMBB: You make a good point.

(MarvelousMe begins sauntering down the rampway. Inside the ring, Bando and Bounty have recovered and are once again slugging it out with Jam and ILMH, who laid out Rich0 and CrayZ. In an otherwise empty corner, ArJay is struggling to his feet.)

MarvelousMe: (Enters the ring) Behold I have come
The Marvelous one is here
You will feel my wr…

(ArJay superkicks MarvelousMe directly in the jaw before he is able to finish his sentence. MarvelousMe is knocked completely out of his right boot from the impact of the kick.)

JMBB: Last Word by ArJay! It can just come out of nowhere! Moves like that will make you pause and take notice of ArJay when considering future bets in AF!

Fish: I’m surprised MarvelousMe didn’t see that one coming. It seemed pretty obvious when you think about it.

JMBB: Sigh…

Fish: The ring is really filling up here at the AF Rumble. The remaining competitors are CrayZ, Rich0, ILMH, Bounty, Bando, Jam, ArJay and MarvelousMe.

JMBB: Eight men brutalizing each other, is there a better spectacle?

Fish: Not around here at least.

(ArJay and a recovering Rich0 begin trading punches while ILMH delivers knife edge chops to Bando and Jam slugs it out with Bounty. CrayZ is on his belly, beneath the ropes reaching down to try and fish his fallen cigarette off the floor.)

JMBB: Seriously CrayZ! You’ve got a problem!

CrayZ: (struggling to reach his cigarette) I can quit anytime I want to! It’s only a problem if you can’t manage it!

Fish: Truer words, from an addict, never spoken.

(ILMH delivers a brutal chop that levels Bando. He makes a fist and then sticks his thumb and pinky out, holding his thumb to his ear and his pinky over his mouth.)

Fish: Uh oh! It looks like ILMH is going to make a phone call!

JMBB: He’s pointing to the crowd, he’s asking for a rotary phone!

(ILMH points to a kid in the front row who holds up a rotary phone.)

Kid: Here ILMH! (The kid throws the phone into the ring. ILMH catches it.)

ILMH: Thanks sport!

Kid: Can I have an autograph?

ILMH: You got $20?

Kid: No… I’m 7

ILMH: (laughs heartily) Get a job kid!

JMBB: ILOVEMATTHARDY is dialing up the ol’ rotary!

Fish: Why was that kid even carrying a rotary phone?

JMBB: Kids love rotary phones, Fish. Duh. They’re the latest fad.

Fish: Go figure.

(ILMH starts dialing a rotary phone… continues dialing… curses old outdated technology… continues dialing…)

Fish: This is why we have touch tone phones.

JMBB: Because we’ve stopped appreciating the cracklingly pure sound of a rotary phone. We’ve truly lost a part of who we once were as people.

Crowd: (becoming impatient) 10… 9… 8…

Fish: I don’t think the crowd is going to wait for ILMH to complete his call.

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

JMBB: That’s exactly the kind of ignorance I’m talking about. ILMH goes and gets himself a high quality, durable phone, and these phones can’t appreciate the fact that sometimes you have to wait a little longer for the finer things in life.

Crowd: 4… 3…

Fish: By “finer things,” do you mean ILMH cracking someone’s skull with that phone?

JMBB: Does it get much better than that?

Crowd: 2… 1…

Fish: I guess we’re about to find out! Who will be the next AF Rumbler?
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Fri Aug 27, 2010 4:40 am

(The lights go out in the arena the entire crowd goes silent in the darkness)

JMBB: Who is it?! I can’t see anything!

Podcast


Them Crooked Vultures - Elephants


(The arena is bathed in the bluish purple glow of a black light. The silhouettes of several men wearing hoods can be made out at the top of the ramp way. From the ramp entrance, a mustached skull glowing in the black light atop a shadowy figure too large to be a person comes into view being led by a smaller figure. The two new figures stop at the top of the ramp as though waiting for something. A loud braying is heard cutting through the music)

JMBB: This is getting ridiculous. Where are they even getting the budget for this? Is that a fucking donkey I hear?

Fish: Give it a minute I want to see where this is going…

(All at once, the silhouettes, which are now standing on both sides of the figure in the skull mask and the small figure, pull back their hoods to reveal their own glow in the dark skeleton masks which are of slightly lower quality than the mustached skull mask.)

Fish: Hey, do you think it's Supermatt? I bet it's Supermatt.

(Pyro goes off, two small cannons begin shooting sparks from the ramp into the air. The sparks fall and sputter out before making it to the ground.)

JMBB: Whoa! That’s some big pyro...

Fish: WOULD YOU SHUT UP?! I need to figure this out! It’s like some sort of incredible puzzle!

(The lights cut back on revealing a total of eight men standing across the top of the ramp, the man in the mustached skull mask is playing air guitar on a steel folding chair while sitting atop a burro, wearing a sombrero.)

JMBB: Holy shit! It’s Longshot!

Fish: And it looks like he brought company… and also a chair and… a donkey? I’m not sure as to the identities of these other men or their purpose here since they haven’t been entered in the Rumble to the best of my knowledge. It looks like Nuclear81 is pitching an absolute fit.

(Nuclear is shown shouting at the men on the ramp as though directing troops into battle. One by one, the men pull off their masks revealing their identities.)

JMBB: What an odd assortment of wrestlers… it’s IHateWrestlingFans, Dragon, EEPunk, Fanboy, kiwiwrestlingfan, and Benjiman! I have to assume that Nuclear organized this cavalcade since Longshot can barely organize his way to the ring without Nuclear’s direction.

Nuclear81: (pulling the burro by a rope) Let’s move out!

(The collective of wrestlers advance down the ramp to the ringside area while the burro brays in protest at its rider. The congregation stops in front of the ring where Longshot hands his chair down to Dragon and stands up in the saddle to assume the Crane pose.)

Lord Akiyama (rushing over): Wait, wait, wait! All of you hold that position and let me in there!

(Lord Akiyama quickly sets a timer on his camera and gets into a pose next to the burro. A flash goes off from his camera.)

Lord Akiyama: This is totally the best night ever! I can’t wait to post all my awesome pictures!

Nuclear81: Enough dicking around you assholes! It’s game time!

(Longshot dismounts his trusty steed and takes his chair from Dragon. The invading wrestlers surround the ring and wait for Nuclear81’s signal)

JMBB: Are they all going to enter? They can’t all be entrants!

Fish: I am pretty sure that this is completely against the rules

JMBB: We brought it on ourselves by making him mod.

Fish: This is all Kanyon’s fault! He made us vote for him!

JMBB: Hey… don’t blame Chris Kanyon. Let him rest! Because really, who better than Kanyon?

(Fish nods in agreement)

Fish: This is absolute pandemonium! The Rumble has been invaded by Longshot’s gaggle of grapplers!

Nuclear81: Get in there you bastards!

(IHateWrestlingFans, Dragon, EEPunk, Fanboy, kiwiwrestlingfan, and Benjiman climb onto the apron and then all at once enter the ring. Waiting in the ring are ILMH, Jam, Bando, CrayZ, Rich, Bounty, and ArJay. MarvelousMe remains sprawled across the mat from the vicious kick that ArJay landed previously, his shoe is nowhere to be seen. Longshot climbs to the top of a turnbuckle and continues posing and playing the chair-guitar even though his entrance music his long since stopped.)

JMBB: This is going to be insane! There are so many guys in the ring! So many big time competitors… and also an idiot on a turnbuckle.

Fish: This is the sort of thing you’ve been waiting for all night, JMBB. We’re finally going to see a battle within those ring posts the likes of which we are likely to never see again.

JMBB: The tension is building! Get on with it already!

CrayZ: (tossing his cigarette out) Everyone! Form up next to Rich and I! The Kings will lead you to battle against these invaders!

Rich0: Together we can repel these interlopers! Kings reign supreme!

(CrayZ and Rich0 high five after their showing of leadership, ILMH picks at dirt beneath his fingernails and pretends he didn’t hear them, Bounty rolls his eyes completely disinterestedly, Bando mutters something regarding English mothers, Jam and ArJay reluctantly form up next to CrayZ and Rich0 and Bounty follows suit seconds later. ILMH looks over at Bando who catches his eye and with the briefest head nod, they both line up with the others.)

Nuclear81: ATTACK!!!

(Nuclear81, having sounded the attack joins JMBB and Fish on commentary. Inside the ring, Fanboy rushes the line, only to be hit with a devastating “It’s For You” by ILMH.)

Nuclear81: Son of a bitch! Worthless bastard!

JMBB: He really got waffled there! I think the kids in the front row might be able to take home some Fanboy teeth as a souvenir.

(Rich0 and CrayZ trade hand signals before CrayZ turns around and runs off the ropes behind the Rumble competitors while Rich0 charges at Kiwiwrestlingfan and Benjiman. Both Kiwiwrestlingfan and Benjiman duck Rich0’s clothesline attempt and turn to attack him when he runs off ropes. Rich0 grabs the top rope and holds himself up while cracking a huge shit eating grin. From behind, CrayZ clotheslines both men in the back of the head. Kiwiwrestlingfan drops to the ground from the blow, while Benjiman stumbles forward into Rich0 who levels the man with a European Uppercut.)

Fish: Absolutely devastating tag team maneuver from The Kings!

Nuclear81: Morons, plain and simple. It was a bait and switch and they took the goddamn bait!

JMBB: It’s hard to deny the team unity that the Three Kings have when they get in the ring together.

Nuclear81: Please. Brits dominating in anything? I think not. This is far from over!

(CrayZ stalks Kiwiwrestlingfan who is struggling to his feet. CrayZ lines him up and hits a CrayZ Cutter, while screaming “CrayZ Cutter” at the same time.)

Nuclear81: See! He’s marking out for his own move! That’s just retarded! Act like you’ve been there before!

(Meanwhile Rich0 pulls Benjiman off the mat and lifts him into the air)

Fish: It’s The Lord Nelson Driver!!!

Nuclear: Bullshit! That’s not even original! It’s a fucking Michinoku Driver II! He just gave it a different name! Goddamn tea drinking shits!

Fish: Call it what you want, I call it all over for Benjiman!

(EEPunk locks up with Bando who immediately low blows him. Bando raises EEPunk’s face to eye level and then abruptly punches him in the throat. EEPunk drops like a bag of bricks. Bando proceeds to stomp on EEPunk’s head before scooping him up and throwing him to the floor in a heap.)

JMBB: God. That was quick and brutal. Bando wasted no time obliterating EEPunk!

Bando: (screaming at EEPunk who is unconscious on the floor) You picked the wrong guy to fuck with! Be grateful that after some reconstructive surgery, you will probably be as good as new!

Nuclear81: There are no words for that. I should have recruited him. Fucking Bando!

Fish: We’re going to need paramedics brought in for your guys if this keeps up Nuke.

Nuclear81: Hm… I will have to do something more drastic I suppose.

(Nuclear81 gets up from his chair and walks over to the ring post where Longshot is perched, still posing to the crowd and attempting to balance a folding chair on top of his head)

Nuclear81: HEY! Shithead! Get down from there and crush these fuckers!

(Longshot looks down at Nuclear81, nods, pulls off his sombrero, and throws it into the crowd.)

Nuclear81: (while sitting back down at the announce table) Now you’ll see some real shit! This asshole is probably the most dangerous fucker I’ve ever encountered. You know why?

JMBB: He has a deadly mustache, that’s for sure.

Nuclear81: Well obviously, but besides that.

Fish: He pretty much always has a steel chair with him?

Nuclear81: That’s a given, but no. He is completely unpredictable. If you can focus him on a specific target, that target is destroyed. But, if you focus him on a field of competition, there is no telling what will happen.

(Longshot sticks one finger in the air, as if checking for wind. Suddenly, he leaps from the top rope, halfway across the ring, and smashes Bounty over the head with his chair.)

Nuclear81: THAT’S THE SHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT! LONGEST FUCKING SHOT FROM THE TOP!!!

JMBB: That was awesome!

Fish: Um… weapons are allowed now?

JMBB: Oh for shit’s sake! Bando lit someone on fire! ILMH hit someone with a phone! Cruiser and Narc were fucking robots! Stop holding Longshot and Nuke down!

Nuclear81: Take out another Shot!

(Longshot spins on his heel and smashes Jam across the face with the chair. Jam goes down in a pile in the ring. Longshot gives him another chairshot for good measure. He then begins a celebratory strut around the ring.)

Nuclear81: Shot strikes again!

JMBB: Gooooooooooooooooooooooodnight Jam!

(Meanwhile, Arjay executes a Thesz Press on Dragon and begins raining lefts and rights on him. ArJay hops up and puts both arms up in celebration. MarvelousMe begins making it back to his feet. ArJay pulls Dragon back up, throws him off the ropes and hits him with The Last Word again, launching him over the ropes.)

Fish: I would say that Dragon is eliminated… but he was never actually in the Rumble so…

(ArJay turns and hits The Last Word on MarvelousMe, who is vaulted across the ring, losing his other shoe in the process. The shoe rolls out of the ring and is picked up by Lord Akiyama who quickly stuffs it into a duffel bag with AF memorabilia he has been picking up over the past several months.)

JMBB: There goes Marvie’s other shoe! And Aki’s got himself a Rumble souvenir!

Lord Akiyama: I wonder if I can get ArJay to sign it later!

(Inside the ring, Longshot and IHateWrestlingFans are the only members of Nuclear81’s invaders. They stand together on one side… well IHWF stands, Longshot brought a chair and is putting it to good use by sitting in it.)

Fish: IHWF and Longshot on one side of the ring, ArJay, Rich0, CrayZ, Bando, and ILMH are standing united on the other side, with Jam, Bounty, and MarvelousMe laid out. It’s a Mexican standoff in the ring!

Nuclear81: Whoa whoa whoa

Fish: What?

JMBB: Why does it have to be a Mexican standoff? Huh? Why can’t it be Polish? Or Chilean? Or some kind of random Asian? Why Mexican?

Fish: Because Mexican standoff is the term…

JMBB: Yeah… the term for your intolerance. Can you believe this guy Nuke? Ignorance.

Nuclear81: It’s truly disgusting and very disappointing coming from you Fish.

Fish: Fine. I apologize to any Mexican fans that may have been offended by my statements. I truly am sorry and want everyone to know that my actions do not reflect on Armbar Forums or the AF Rumble in any way. I will try to do better for you folks in the future.

JMBB: Much better.

Nuclear81: Don’t let it happen again you son of a bitch.

(Back in the ring, the face off continues. The Kings begin forming a game plan.)

Rich0: Alright fellas, we have a distinct numbers advantage. So CrayZ and I have a plan to really take advantage and dump these invaders on their heads.

CrayZ: It’s really quite simple. Rich0 and I will take out IHateWrestlingFans while you three eliminate Longshot.

Bando: That seems like a really good plan and all… except for one thing, that asshole has a chair!

Rich0: But he isn’t using it right now.

ILMH: Um… to be fair, he’s using it in the way it was meant to be used. He isn’t hitting anyone with it, but he is still using it. This might be nit-picky, but the chair is definitely being utilized.

CrayZ: Jesus Christ. We know what we’re doing here. You guys didn’t come into this Rumble with a game plan, but we did and now it’s in play and is working. Get with the program. Stop being lazy.

JMBB: A first! CrayZ is accusing someone else of being lazy!

CrayZ: (Yelling out of the ring) I can hear you! I’ve been the most active participant in this whole damn thing!

JMBB: Sure, sure. Are you sure you aren’t feeling a bit winded, maybe you need another cigarette! It’s been like 5 minutes since your last one! I think you’re beginning to have withdrawal!

CrayZ: It’s not an addiction! It just looks awesome!

Rich0: We’re getting really off topic here. Just stick with our plan and it will all work out. On the count of three, you guys take out Longshot and we’ll take out IHWF. Trust us, we pretty much run this thing.

(ArJay, ILMH, and Bando look at each other and exchange nods, having reached a consensus.)

CrayZ: ONE!

Rich0: TWO!

Rich0 and CrayZ : (together) THREE!

(Rich0 and CrayZ rush at IHWF. They begin delivering a flurry of kicks and punches. CrayZ gets IHWF in a full nelson allowing Rich0 to land body blows.)

Rich0: HA! Kings Reign Supreme! (Turning) What kind of progress are you fellas makin'…

(Rich0 turns around to see Bando sitting on the far turnbuckle, ILMH doing a series of lunges and toe touches, and ArJay prying what appears to be a human tooth out of his right boot.)

Rich0: You fucking fucks! You had one fucking job to do!

CrayZ: Uh… where is Longshot?

(Rich0 turns to where Longshot had been sitting to find him and the chair missing. He begins looking all over the ring for him.)

CrayZ: Tuck and roll!

(Rich0 instinctively obeys and rolls out of the ring to the floor. CrayZ pushes IHWF forward just in time for IHWF to block the chair shot aimed at Rich0. IHWF leaves his feet in the ring and lands on his head next to the guardrail on the floor. CrayZ rolls out of the ring to regroup with Rich0 on the entrance ramp.)

Nuclear81: Goddammit! Those fucking Kings!

Fish: You have to hand it to them though, they really do work well together.

JMBB: Blind trust is a hell of a thing when it works out.

Rich0: That was way too close.

CrayZ: Perfect timing though. Fuck… I need a cigarette.

(CrayZ lights a cigarette to quell his shaking hands after his near death experience via chair)

Crowd: 10… 9… 8…

Rich0: Okay, new plan. We beat the piss out of whoever comes out of next.

Crowd: 7…6… 5…

CrayZ: Works for me. I guess I better finish this cigarette then. (CrayZ takes an incredible drag and exhales what seems like a cloud)

Crowd: 4… 3…

CrayZ: Oh yeah! That’s just what I needed!

Crowd: 2… 1…

Rich0: Let’s rough this fella up!


Vitamin String Quartet - Through The Fire and the Flames


CrayZ: OH SNAP!

Rich0: I can’t believe it!

(CrayZ and Rich0 high five.)

Rich0 and CrayZ: (Chanting) KINGS REIGN SUPREME! KINGS REIGN SUPREME!

Fish: That music can only mean one thing, we are about to see the third of the four members of the Three Kings. I can only assume it will be the Titan of the Turnpike, IWND!

JMBB: The tides have turned once again in this Rumble. It seems like no one in the ring has even noticed IWND entering the arena…

Fish: Because he hasn’t entered the arena yet…

JMBB: What do you mean? His music is playing and everything.

Nuclear81: Goddammit! What the shit is going on in there!?

JMBB: It looks like an impromptu game of musical chairs has broken out in the ring between Longshot, IHWF, ILMH, Bando, and ArJay.

Fish: It’s a shame that MarvelousMe and Bounty couldn’t play too…

JMBB: They would have to be 100% more conscious for that to happen.

Nuclear81: Idiot! You have a weapon and you’re playing a game with it!

(Back on the entrance ramp, Rich0 and CrayZ are still performing a series of high fives, fist bumps, and chest bumps, but with each celebratory gesture, they are getting more and more impatient.)

Rich0: Where is he?

CrayZ: IWND! Come on already!

(Suddenly, a pair of middle aged peroxide blonde strippers in bikinis come from the back pushing an incredibly large three layer cake out onto the ramp before returning to the back.)

CrayZ: Uh…

Rich0: You birds aren’t IWND…

(A cannon fires from within the cake, launching the entire top off into the crowd, Rich0 and CrayZ stare at the cake completely dumbfounded. The entrance music cuts off and everyone in the ring dives at the single chair sitting in the ring. Balloons come floating out from the top of the cake and streamers begin falling from the rafters throughout the arena.)


Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA


JMBB: Jersey is in the house!

Rich0: What the fuck am I hearing?

CrayZ: Seriously… what is this shit?

(Behind Rich and Crayz's in the ring, Longshot is seen chairguitaring along to "Born in the USA" to the adulation of the other participants. The camera cuts back to the entrance way, a puff of smoke fires up from the open cake and a man suddenly springboards out of the cake and onto the ramp.)

Fish: It’s IWND!

JMBB: We’ve seen some really ridiculous entrances so far, but this is by far the stupidest.

Fish: What do you mean?

JMBB: It’s like the birthday party from hell… I mean New Jersey.

CrayZ: What’s the deal with the music?

Rich0: This clearly is not “Through the Fire and Flames”

IWND: I played that too! But I was thinking to myself, "IWND, you’re a King"… and so I says to myself "you need to have music befitting a King." Once I got to that point, the choice was obvious, Bruce Springsteen.

Rich0: This is not music befitting proper aristocracy.

CrayZ: Yeah! This shit blows.

(IWND slaps CrayZ)

CrayZ: Ow! What the hell?

IWND: I didn’t enjoy doing that, but no one talks about Bruce like that in front of me.

CrayZ: I only told you what you needed to hear! Bruce Springsteen is overrated!

IWND: This will hurt me more than you… (slaps CrayZ again)

JMBB: That’s just like a Jersey boy, he resorts to violence in the face of reason.

Nuclear81: It’s truly a cesspool of humanity.

CrayZ: Stop hitting me!

IWND: Then you leave The Boss out of this. He’s an American hero!

CrayZ: How so?

IWND: Well… he… uhh… shut up!

Rich0: Alright fellas, enough fooling about. Let’s get the game plan down.

IWND: Run in and beat the tar out of everyone?

Rich0: You know it!

(IWND and Rich0 high five)

CrayZ: Best plan ever!

(The Kings high five all at once. The sound echoes throughout the arena like a gunshot and several of the fans closest to the high five’s epicenter have their eardrums ruptured.)

Fish: Good gravy! A high fifteen!

JMBB: You can tell things are getting serious when high fives are coming from those three men all at the same time.

Rich0: Let’s do this!

CrayZ: Three Kings style!

IWND: This is for you Bruce! (points to the sky)

Rich0: But he's not dead...

(IWND slaps CrayZ)

CrayZ: I didn't say anything!

IWND: Bruce Springsteen is everywhere!

Rich0: (Agitated) Let's go!

(The Three Kings take off in a sprint toward the ring, sliding under the ropes. The rest of the competitors are heaped in a pile still trying to determine the winner of musical chairs when the Kings hit the ring.)

Rich0: Dismantle them!

(The Three Kings pull ArJay off the pile and take turns pummeling him until Rich0 winds up and delivers a European Uppercut with such force that it knocks ArJay clean off his feet and plants him on the back of his head.)

CrayZ: Damn! I haven’t seen a punch like that since Snooki got hit at that bar!

IWND: (slaps CrayZ) Don’t you ever speak ill of Snooki, you whore! That girl is a saint!

CrayZ: Dammit IWND! Stop hitting me! I can’t even use topical humor about that little troll around you!

IWND: (with his hand cocked back to hit CrayZ again) That little what?!

CrayZ: I mean… uhh… she is a fine role model for little girls everywhere…

IWND: You got that right.

CrayZ: (lighting a cigarette) All this getting slapped is upsetting my lungs. Time to go to flavor country! (Takes a long drag and then lets loose a hacking cough.) Smooooooooth.

JMBB: I really think he needs to be screened for emphysema.

CrayZ: (Leaning over the rope) And you need to be screened for MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

Crowd: 10… 9… 8…

CrayZ: OH COME ON! That was barely even enough time for IWND to get in the ring!

Fish: The crowd seems to be getting restless, they’ve already started counting down to the next competitor.

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

JMBB: In all likelihood, whoever runs in is going to run straight into the Three Kings and that’s never a good place to be.

Crowd: 4… 3… 2… 1…


Cake - Comfort Eagle


(A large man wearing an oversized t-shirt and a red Yankees hat turn backwards comes charging out from the back.)

Fish: Talk about surprises! It’s Mhirn1!

JMBB: Who the fuck is Mhirn1?

Fish: A clone of that other Mhirn who was banned.

Nuclear81: When did they let this fucker back in?

Rich0: We didn’t!

(Mhirn1 sprints down the ramp and slides under the rope. CrayZ tosses his cigarette butt to the ground outside the ring.)

IWND: You Mhirns just don’t learn do you?

(Mhirn1 runs full speed into a European Uppercut by Rich0 knocking him backwards to where CrayZ has gotten full head of steam after running the ropes and delivers a CrayZ Cutter to Mhirn1, driving him into the mat.)

Fish: They’ve set Mhirn up for IWND’s signature move!

(IWND runs the rope twice and then lands a leg drop)

JMBB: Houses of the Holy! It’s the Immortalizer Leg Drop from IWND!

Fish: Even as a trio, the Three Kings are just so in sync with each other. It has to be daunting for the other competitors.

JMBB: Yeah! I haven’t seen the American, British, and French work this well together since World War 2!

CrayZ (from the ring): Seriously? You’re resorting to French jokes now?

JMBB: Oui!

CrayZ: (muttering) Fuck it.

Rich0: Let’s get rid of this fucker for the last time.

IWND: Who’s turn is it?

CrayZ: I took the last one… I think it’s Rich’s turn.

(Rich0 drops down to both knees and holds both his arms out to the sides, forming a “t” with his body. IWND and CrayZ lift Mhirn1’s prone body and place him face up on Rich0’s shoulders. Rich0 takes hold by Mhirn1’s throat and left leg.)

Fish: Oh no… we’ve seen this move before, but not in quite some time!

(Rich0 stands up walks across the ring stops in the middle and then suddenly let’s his feet drop out from under him, driving Mhirn1 into the mat on the top of his head.)

JMBB: BURNING FUCKING BANHAMMER!!!

Fish: Now, he MAY get up, depending on the protection that fetching backwards hat gives him...

Crowd: (Going absolutely insane) AFW! AFW! AFW!

(IWND and CrayZ pick up what is left of Mhirn1 and throw him over the top rope, eliminating him.)

Rich0: (Leaning over the top rope) And this time, fuck off!

IWND: Security! Security! Get his corpse out of the building!

(Security guards come from the back to drag the unconscious Mhirn1 to the back.

Security Guard: (Noticing Lord Akiyama nearby) Hey Aki, you want a pic with this guy before we take him out back and leave him in the alley?

Lord Akiyama: God no. I'd rather cut off my own face and eat it.

(The Three Kings turn around to see everyone else in the ring giving them a standing ovation.)

Fish: Nothing says face turn like banning that guy.

JMBB: I’m sure it won’t last long. The Kings are just getting warmed up. These three in the same ring are practically a war crime.

Crowd: 10… 9…

Fish: The crowd is getting impatient again.

Crowd: 8… 7…

JMBB: They’re running hot right now! They want more action!

Crowd: 6… 5… 4…

(The Three Kings look at each other and nod)

IWND: We appreciate the applause guys…

CrayZ: There is just one problem…

Rich0: (Still all amped up) KINGS REIGN SUPREME!

(The Three Kings attack ILMH, ArJay, and IHWF. Seeing an opening, Bando attacks Bounty while MarvelousMe frantically dodges wild chairshots from Longshot.)

Crowd: 3… 2…

JMBB: They wanted action, they got it!

Fish: And one more is about to join the fray!

Nuclear81: That band sucks.

Fish: I meant one more is about to join the Rumble…

JMBB: Next time just say that.

Crowd: 1!
User avatar
Longshot
Site Admin
 
Posts: 5511
Joined: Mon Jan 04, 2010 4:23 am
Location: Washington DC
Favorite Wrestler/Fighter: La Parka

CM Punk
Favorite Show: Whatever is on.
Know more holds than Y2J?: I know over 1004 holds!

Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:40 am

(The lights dim slightly and the crowd roars in anticipation)



Danger Mouse - 99 Problems


JMBB: With that music and the somewhat dimmed lighting, it can only mean one thing… SHADE has arrived!

Fish: Dimmed lighting? I don’t get it.

JMBB: His name is Shade… there is about the same amount of lighting in here now as if we were sitting in the shade.

Nuclear81: Don’t be a dick, Fish. This is Shade’s entrance and he can have lighting however he wants it.

Fish: I just asked why the lights were dimmed!

JMBB: And I ask myself all the time why you are so dim.

Nuclear81: ZING! (Nuke and JMBB high five)

(Shade walks down the ramp to an excessive amount of fanfare.)

Fish: The crowd is really going wild for Shade.

(Fans are hanging over the guardrail trying to high five Shade. Shade, however, puts both hands behind his head and strolls leisurely down the ramp.)

Fish: He completely no sold the fans! For such a welcome, he didn’t show much gratitude.

JMBB: It just makes them love him more though!

(Inside the ring, Bando and Bounty have stopped fighting one another and have begun stomping at ArJay. The Three Kings are taking turns stomping on IHWF, with one King stomping while the other two high five. ILMH has rolled out of the ring and is digging underneath it for something. Longshot is still chasing MarvelousMe around the ring and somehow Jam has gotten caught up in that turmoil as well and now is also running from Longshot and his wild chair swinging.)

Fish: The good news is that ArJay is about to get some help in the Rumble.

JMBB: Despite a few Last Word’s, ArJay has mostly been the target of a series of beat downs. With Shade in the Rumble now, ShArJayde is once again a complete unit and they can start going to work on the other competitors.

Fish: Well that will have to be the hope at least.

(Shade enters the ring and moves to where Bando and Bounty are pummeling ArJay. ILMH comes out from underneath the ring with a rotary phone.)

Fish: We have two situations developing here! Shade has entered the ring and looks to be moving in for the assist. On the other side of the ring, ILMH has found another rotary phone.

JMBB: It’s absolute pandemonium! The AF Rumble is getting thoroughly chaotic now and …what the shit?!

(Shade begins stomping on ArJay with Bando and Bounty)

ArJay: Dammit Shade! Wrong team!

Shade: Oh… right… (Shade stops stomping ArJay and begins clubbing both Bando and Bounty)

Fish: This is why you can’t have thrown together teams and expect them to be on the same page.

JMBB: Truthfully, the two of them together might be the worst team ever.

Fish: Well it looks like they’re setting Bando up for a Hart Attack now!

(ArJay lifts Bando into the air. Shade runs the ropes and clotheslines Bounty instead.)

Shade: Shade has saved the day once again!

ArJay: Goddammit Shade! (ArJay atomic drops Bando instead and begins working his frustrations out by stomping on Bando’s chest)

(Elsewhere, Longshot continues his chase of Jam and MarvelousMe. ILMH notices the preposterous situation and joins the chase while swinging his rotary phone at any of the three he can get near. Suddenly, MarvelousMe cuts right to escape the pursuit. Jam notices MarvelousMe’s maneuver and does a complete 180 and runs back the way he came from, hoping to catch ILMH and Longshot both off guard. Unfortunately, he runs directly between the two and they both swing as hard as they can.)

JMBB: OH SHIT!

Fish: What a terrible “It’s For You” by ILMH!

Nuclear81: Wrong! It’s a skull crushing “Longest Shot” by my protégé Longshot!

JMBB: You’re both wrong! It’s a fucking PHONECHAIRTO on Jam!

(Jam crumbles to the ground, completely unconscious.)

JMBB: Totally brutal.

(ILMH and Longshot are both upset that they didn’t get a clean hit on Jam and begin dueling back and forth, swinging a chair and a rotary phone respectively.)

Fish: We’ve got action with the Kings!

JMBB: They have stopped stomping IHWF… and are now making a… series of hand gestures… calling for something.

(IWND climbs to the top rope, Rich0 picks IHWF up and lifts him into the air. Rich0 then walks away from the corner and faces the center of the ring while standing directly between two of the turnbuckles, with IWND perched atop the one to the left. CrayZ climbs onto the apron so that he is standing directly behind Rich0.)

Fish: This is going to go very badly for IHWF.

JMBB: That’s assuming that CrayZ doesn’t suffer an asthma attack before they do anything.

CrayZ: TRIPLE CROWN!

(CrayZ springboards off the top rope and connects with a reverse CrayZ Cutter as Rich0 slams IHWF to the mat with a powerbomb. Almost immediately, IWND leaps off the turnbuckle and delivers a frog splash.)

Rich0: Kings Reign Su-fucking-Preme!

IWND: We don’t get to hit that move nearly often enough.

CrayZ: Throw this cheating fuck out of the ring! He wasn’t in the competition to begin with.

(IWND and Rich0 toss a completely incapacitated IHWF to the floor.)

CrayZ: Next time, use the opt-in thread and maybe, just maybe, you can be a participant!

JMBB: A sweet botch by CrayZ, as the AF Rumble featured an opt-out thread rather than an opt-in thread.

CrayZ: Oh fuck you JMBB! It’s just semantics!

JMBB: Cry more! Why don’t you have a cigarette CrayZ? It’s been like a full minute since your last one!

CrayZ: I was going to have one anyways! AND not because you told me to!

JMBB: Right… because you’re terribly addicted.

(CrayZ glares at JMBB while lighting a cigarette.)

Fish: Uh oh! ArJay and Shade have gotten a hold of MarvelousMe!

JMBB: Oh this should be good.

ArJay: He’s done for!

(ArJay lifts MarvelousMe up in powerbomb position, Shade runs forward and jumps grabbing MarvelousMe by the shoulders and pulling him down into a backstabber as ArJay slams him down.)

Fish: Wow… that was catastrophic. He could very well be crippled from that.

JMBB: It was the ShArJayde tandem finisher: “Thanks, But No Thanks!”

(ArJay immediately rolls out of the ring, pulls a box out from under the ring and opens it.)

Fish: What is he doing now?

(ArJay yanks his boots off, pulls a fresh pair of high top shoes from the box, and puts them on)

JMBB: Oh snap! It’s looking like ArJay got himself some fresh kicks… could it be? Let’s get a closer look at those…

Image


JMBB: I’ve heard about these, but they are very rare.

Fish: What are? What’s the big deal?

JMBB: Those are the official collaboration between ArJay and Nike! They’re the Nike Hightop Dunks as designed by ArJay!

Fish: I’ve gotta say… those kicks are hot.

JMBB: They really are. THAT’S how you merchandise yourself. Not with crappy outdated t-shirts. (CrayZ flips JMBB the bird while continuing to puff away at his cigarette)

(ArJay finishes tying his shoes and rolls back into the ring. He stands over MarvelousMe, looking down at him with malicious intent in his eyes.)

Fish: MarvelousMe is looking pretty out of it.

JMBB: Yeah, but it doesn’t look like ArJay is done with him yet.

(ArJay pulls MarvelousMe to his feet and leaves him standing as though unconscious on his feet.)

ArJay: LAST WORD!!! (ArJay superkicks MarvelousMe square in the forehead, lifting him off his feet, over the top rope and to the floor)

Fish: We have an elimination! ArJay has eliminated MarvelousMe!

JMBB: What is on Marvie’s forehead?

(The camera zooms in on MarvelousMe’s forehead where there is a clear imprint saying “ArJay” that matches the print on the sole of ArJay’s shoe.)

JMBB: Man, ArJay really kicked the shit out him.

Fish: Well, I guess that Marvie will have “ArJay” on his mind for a while… (chuckles to himself)

JMBB: Boooooooooooo!

Nuclear81: Don’t quit your day job... but consider quitting this one.

Fish: You should learn to appreciate a clever turn of phrase.

JMBB: I’d really appreciate you shutting the hell up.

Crowd: 10… 9…

Fish: Well, your overall contempt for humor will have to wait because the crowd is counting down!

Crowd: 8…7…6…

JMBB: Not too many competitors left! I hope this is Supermatt! I just have to see what his new super move is!

Crowd: 5…4…

Fish: The Eviscerator is supposed to be the most devastating maneuver ever conceived by a wrestler or war criminal.

Crowd: 3…

JMBB: I know! Can you imagine him hitting something like that on ILMH or ArJay? That would be awesome! It’d be like… SPLAT! You’se a dead mother…

Nuclear81 (interrupting): Shut yo mouth!

JMBB: I’m only talkin’ bout Supermatt!

Nuclear81: I can dig it!

Crowd: 2…1…

Podcast


At The Drive-In – Arcarsenel


(A man bursts onto the entrance ramp. He is wearing a large bandana that covers his entire face, a pair of plastic sunglasses, and a pair of incredibly baggy khakis. On his back is an enormous detailed tattoo of Jesus.)

JMBB: Okay… who the shit is this?

Fish: I’m getting word that this competitor is a surprise entrant named “Qua Paso.”

JMBB: Qua Paso huh? What else you got on him?

Fish: Let’s see… he hails from Tijuana and doesn’t speak much English.

JMBB: Hm… alright. There’s something really familiar about him though.

Fish: I agree. I feel like I’ve seen him before… it looks like we’re going to hear from him right now as he is being joined by our ringside interviewer, WWEvsTNA!

WWEvsTNA: Qua Paso, you’re a man of great mystery in the AF Rumble, what can you tell us about yourself that we don’t already know?

(Qua Paso grabs the mic from WWEvsTNA)

Qua Paso: Let me speak on this! Odelay!

(Crowd pops)

Qua Paso: Burritos!

JMBB: What the fu...

Qua Paso: Quesadillas!

(Crowd pops)

Fish: Our fans really seem to like quesadillas. Who can blame them? They are delicious.

JMBB: This is just rac...

Qua Paso: Burritos... again!

(Crowd pops)

Qua Paso: Papusas!

(Crowd pops)

Fish: My Spanish is a bit rusty, but I am pretty sure that a papusa is a Mexican baby

JMBB: Spanish? Wait, he's not French?

(Qua Paso sprints down the ramp and slides under the bottom rope. He immediately attacks Bounty with a clubbing blow to the head)

Qua Paso: Qua Paso es aquí!

JMBB: What?

Fish: He said “Qua Paso is here.” It was really basic Spanish. You’re from Texas and you’ve never picked up even a little Spanish?

JMBB: This is America and here we speak American. These colors don’t run Fish.

Fish: What does that even mean?

JMBB: It means… um…

Fish: You don’t know what it means do you?

JMBB: Moving on… Qua Paso is really taking the fight to Bounty!

(After raining a series of clubbing blows onto Bounty, Qua Paso sets Bounty up on the second turnbuckle with his legs spread wide.)

JMBB: Oh I don’t like the looks of this at all.

Fish: Bounty is in a very precarious position at the moment.

(Qua Paso backs up to the middle of the ring before running full speed at Bounty and kicking him square in the crotch. Bounty’s eyes go wide in pain before he crumbles to the mat.)

JMBB: Jesus! I think Qua Paso just picked up the 7-10 split!

Fish: My god! That was brutal!

JMBB: Oh man. He kicked him so hard I can feel it in my teeth!

Fish: I guess we won’t be seeing any little Bouny’s anytime soon.

JMBB: Perhaps that’s for the best.

(Qua Paso grabs Bounty by his mullet, gorilla presses him and drops him over the ropes. As he is being dropped, Bounty’s hand gets caught in the bandana covering Qua Paso’s face. The bandana slips down to Qua Paso’s neck, revealing his face, as Bounty crashes to the floor and is eliminated. Qua Paso quickly pulls the bandana back over his face.)

Fish: My god! Did you see who that was?

JMBB: It’s fucking Flying Ex again! Jesus Christ, how many continues does this guy have?

Fish: You’ve got to give him credit as far as resiliency is considered; he has been in this Rumble two times previously and has taken a beating both times.

JMBB: Oh right, I need to give him credit for creating a new character solely to enter the Rumble with, kicking Bounty square in the balls, and insulting Hispanics everywhere with his awful Spanish.

Fish: It doesn’t sound nearly as impressive when you put it that way.

JMBB: Because it isn’t impressive. The only impressive thing was his choice of entrance music, I love that song.

Bounty (lying on the ground in fetal position): Ugh…

Fish: I don’t think Bounty is going anywhere for a while.

Crowd: 10…9…8…

JMBB: No, but according to the crowd, this match will be moving forward without him!

Crowd: 7… 6… 5…

Bounty: Fuck… you… Ex… I’ll get you for this…

Crowd: 4… 3…

Fish: Well that will have to wait Bounty because we’re about to have our next challenger!

Crowd: 2… 1…
User avatar
Longshot
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Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:29 am

Fish: With this, the 28th entrant in the AF Rumble, will we finally see who the newest member of The Three Kings is?

JMBB: Also known as the Fourth King…

Fish: That just isn’t happening. Not with the warehouse of unsold merchandise the Three Kings have.

JMBB: It doesn’t make it less stupid.



Cake – Comfort Eagle


(Mhirn2 bursts out of the entrance ramp and runs full speed to the ring.)

JMBB: Goddammit!

Nuclear81: Not this fucker again!

Fish: I am receiving word that this is Mhirn2, not to be confused with Mhirn1 who was dispatched earlier tonight OR with Mhirn3 who is no longer with us. For those wondering, I’m sure he’s in a better place.

JMBB: No, he isn’t.

(Mhirn2 slides under the bottom ring and begins running the ropes. He hits the ropes and turns to run back when a deafening CRACK rings out. Mhirn2 is vaulted out of the ring and into the crowd.)

JMBB: I looked a way for a moment there! What happened? I need to get a replay on that, it just happened too quickly!

(The AF Production Crew brings up a different camera angle that shows the entire ring. Mhirn2 slides into the ring and continues running. As he enters the ring, he narrowly avoids being hit by a rotary phone shot from ILMH. When ILMH misses, Longshot takes off running directly behind Mhirn2. As Mhirn2 turns when he hits the ropes, he is smashed with a Longest Shot and sent flying into the crowd.)

Nuclear81: That’s why he is always given a steady supply of chairs. He knows how to use them.

JMBB: That was easily the second most devastating chairshot I have ever seen.

Nuclear81: Second?

JMBB: Well, Jam did catch a phonechairto earlier tonight.

Nuclear81: Ah true, great memories.

(The fans crowd surf Mhirn2 to the back of the arena where a few of them are seen opening an emergency exit that connects to a back alley. Another fan opens a large dumpster in the alley and Mhirn2 is thrown away. The announcers completely no sell his undignified exit.)

JMBB: Well, it appears that Longshot is now performing an obligatory chairguitar solo in the middle of the ring.

Nuclear81: YOU WHOREFACED BASTARD! STOP SCREWING AROUND!

Fish: He doesn’t look like he’s in any real danger; he’s really swinging that chair around during the celebration.

Nuclear81: I don’t want excuses from him or you! I want results! He should be the only man in the ring right now!

(On the floor, Bounty has returned to a sitting position. He gets an absolutely evil look on his face.)

JMBB: Well, despite being eliminated, I think Bounty might kill someone.

(Bounty gets up and climbs back into the ring. He goes directly after Qua Paso.)

Bounty: I’ll get you Ex!

(Qua Paso low bridges the top rope on the charging Bounty, sending him out of the ring once more.)

Bounty: You can keep running, I am still going to crush you!

(Bounty climbs back onto the apron. Qua Paso runs the ropes and drop kicks him off again.)

Bounty: You’re only making it worse on yourself!

(Bounty moves toward the ring again.)

Rich0: Hey, Bounty! Fuck off! Stop cheating!

Bounty: Cheating?! What rules have been established here?!

IWND: You go over the top, you’re out. That’s basically it.

Bounty (pointing at Qua Paso): He’s gone over the top twice so far! It’s just Flying Ex again!

Rich0: Him?

IWND: That’s Qua Paso. Watch, I’ll ask him. (walks over to Qua Paso) Are you Flying Ex?

Qua Paso (lowering his bandana and pointing at himself): Qua Paso.

Bounty: Throw me a fucking bone! That's his god damn face! You guys are retarded. Just let me back in there and I will take care of this myself!

Rich0: Sorry fella, we can’t let you do that. You were eliminated and you have to leave now. Myself, IWND, and CrayZ are dead set on having the rules observed in this Rumble… CrayZ get over here! We’re trying to present a united front here!

CrayZ (leaning against a turnbuckle smoking): I’m busy.

Rich0: That fucker… well you get the idea Bounty! You’re not coming back in! So piss off!

Bounty (still yelling as he walks up the ramp): I hope that fucking bum shanks all three of you assholes and then steals your shoes. Fuck England and fuck that dirty cesspool that you come from too, IWND!

(IWND walks over to CrayZ and slaps him.)

CrayZ: What was that for?!

IWND: No one talks bad about Jersey!

CrayZ: I didn’t say anything!

IWND: I said NO ONE!!!

CrayZ (muttering): Goddamn Yank.

Crowd: 10…9…

Fish: After an odd series of events, we’re going to have another competitor.

Crowd: 8… 7…

JMBB: There are only two entrants still to be announced, so we know it has to be one of them in the 29 position.

Crowd: 6… 5…

Fish: So who do you think it is?

JMBB: I think we are finally about to see Supermatt.

Crowd: 3…2…

JMBB: He’s made it clear that he will be here and he will be taking it to the rest of the competition.

Fish: Well, you know who else it could be right?

Crowd: 1…

JMBB: Yeah, that’s why I brought my helmet.

Podcast


Rammstein - Feuer Frei


Fish: Oh sweet merciful Jesus…

JMBB: Quick! Helmets on!

Fish: Ohgoddon’tlethimseeme!

JMBB: Ladies and gentlemen, we at AF do not condone the actions that could potentially take place imminently. Any of you who have weak hearts should leave the room now. This could get messy.

(A humongous German man in a singlet comes crashing down the ramp. A teenage fan reaches out to give him a high five only to be dragged onto the ramp by his arm. )

Fish: This is absolutely terrifying.

JMBB: Don’t you dare piss yourself. You know that he can smell fear!

Fish: I make no promises.

JMBB: This is going to go poorly for this young fan. He is now in the clutches of Dancing Queen!

Fish: Poor kid. I guess we had better start prepping the legal team for the impending lawsuit.

JMBB: No need, all the fans in attendance have signed waivers! We’re in the clear!

(Dancing Queen drags the boy down the ramp by his head for a moment before stopping, stomping on his chest, and discarding him, all while laughing manically.)

Fish: Hopefully he will get in the ring and everyone else will be able to team up and eliminate him quickly. Then we can have security tranquilize him.

JMBB: Wishful thinking, these guys aren’t going to work together on anything! And even if they did, would it really be enough to take him down?

(Dancing Queen finally enters the ring.)

CrayZ: Shit shit shit…. Kings! Regroup outside the ring!

(The Three Kings rolls under the bottom ropes to the floor.)

ILMH (Looks over at Longshot and Bando): Shall we?

(Longshot shrugs)

Bando: Put the fucker on the ground, then stomp his head in, just like in preschool.

(All three charge at Dancing Queen. ILMH and Bando each try to chop block one of Dancing Queen’s knees, while Longshot swings a chair wildly at Dancing Queen’s head. Dancing Queen punches the chair back into Longshot’s face. Dancing Queen then jumps into the air and comes down on top of both Bando and ILMH.)

JMBB: Oh gross. DQ squashed them.

Fish: It does however look like they’re still alive, so that’s a good sign.

(Jam, having just regained his senses from the phonechairto he took earlier, stands up and brushes himself off.)

Jam: That really knocked the boom out of my shakalaka… alright, who wants a piece of the Jampion!?

(Without responding, Dancing Queen charges Jam like a rhino and drives his head into Jam’s gut and then smashes him into the corner.)

JMBB: Shit just got real for Jam.

(Dancing Queen then grabs Jam, who is doubled over, lifts him over his head and delivers a running bucklebomb to the opposite turnbuckle. Jam’s neck and shoulder hold him up briefly before he tumbles over and out of the ring.)

Fish: My god… Dancing Queen just annihilated Jam with the Slam Dance!

JMBB: Hopefully Jam will be okay. He clearly is going to have some lingering injuries from this Rumble. I thought LKR took a beating tonight, but Jam really got it bad.

Fish: The good news for Jam is that now that he has been eliminated, he can seek medical attention… or maybe someone can seek medical attention for him? He doesn’t look like he’ll be seeking anything anytime soon.

(ArJay and Shade look at one another and begin concocting a plan.)

ArJay: Okay, I’m going to drop kick his leg and roll, when I do you…

Shade: Roll out of the ring to safety, got it!

ArJay: NO! You have to hit him from behind and then dodge away. That way, I can hit him again. We just keep hitting him and running away, it’ll tire him out and beat him down at the same time. It’s the only way we can take him down!

(ArJay turns and looks at Dancing Queen. He and Shade circle around Dancing Queen in opposite directions so that ArJay is in front of him and Shade is behind.)

ArJay: GO!

(ArJay charges at Dancing Queen before leaping and hitting a low drop kick squarely on Dancing Queen’s right knee, staggering the monster. ArJay rolls out of the way immediately to set up his next strike and waits for Shade’s attack… that never comes.)

ArJay (looking around): What the shit?! Where the fuck are you Shade?!

Shade (from outside the ring): Right behind you. I liked my plan better than yours.

ArJay (turns around to address Shade): You motherfu.. UGH

(While ArJay’s back was turned, Dancing Queen recovered, briskly walked over to where ArJay was standing, and slugged ArJay right in the back of the head.)

Fish: I have to say that Shade and ArJay have chemistry problems. They don’t work well together at all.

JMBB: This is why you can’t just throw teams together at random and expect them to succeed.

Fish: Maybe you can’t throw teams together, but apparently Dancing Queen can throw team members at each other.

(Dancing Queen lifts the dazed ArJay over his head and throws him over the top rope onto Shade.)

ArJay: Thanks for breaking my fall there.

Shade: Get off of me!

ArJay: You’re fine. (pulls himself up, then pulls Shade off the ground) Well, I’m out. Good luck and all that.

Shade: That’s it? You’re not mad?

ArJay: Mad? No… but one more thing.

Shade: What’s that?

(ArJay superkicks Shade connecting with Shade’s jaw, laying him out.)

ArJay: I’m not mad. I’m fucking furious! You’ve fucked me over one too many times. And that’s The Last Word, bitch.

(ArJay picks Shade up off the ground and throws him back into the ring.)

ArJay: If DQ doesn’t cripple you, come try and fuck with me again! (Walking up the ramp) Fucking ShArJayde! What a fucking retarded concept to begin with! Man, fucka AF Rumble!

Fish: Well, that was quite a turn of events.

JMBB: I mean, turnabout is fair play right? Shade screwed ArJay pretty badly, ArJay returned the favor. I doubt these two are done with each other.

Fish: Indeed. It also would appear that Dancing Queen isn’t quite done with Shade yet either.

(Inside the ring, Dancing Queen has Shade in a Torture Rack and is doing his best to break Shade in half over his thick neck.)

JMBB: That’s pretty disgusting. If Shade snaps in half, I will puke. I swear to God, I will puke everywhere. Someone get a bucket or a trash can or something because I really think that Dancing Queen is going to do it!

Fish: But look! Mercifully, he has released Shade from the Torture Rack!

JMBB: It isn’t mercy! He’s tenderized him and now is setting him up for the kill! I haven’t seen a heel this dominant since the Cloverfield Monster!

Fish: It’s not like he’s destroying a city…

JMBB: Yeah, but don’t go giving him any ideas either!

(Dancing Queen puts Shade up in the power bomb position and holds him there for a moment. He backs up until his back is against the ropes.)

Fish: What is he doing? At least it won’t be another Slam Dance, I guess.

JMBB: After the punishment Shade has taken, I think a Buckle Bomb would go against the recommendations of 9 out of 10 doctors.

Fish: The fuck is wrong with that tenth doctor?

JMBB: The tenth doctor is Doctor Chono.

(Dancing Queen gets a running start and releases Shade when his chest hits the ropes on the opposite side of the ring, propelling Shade out of the ring. Shade crashes into the guard rail and lies there unconscious.)

JMBB: He’s a monster. There is nothing else that can be said. I’ve seen a lot of monsters in my day: Cookie Monster, Gravedigger the Monster Truck, King Ghidorah, and Roseanne Barr among them, but I have to say that Dancing Queen is beyond a shadow of a doubt, the deadliest and most dominant of them all!

Nuclear81: Just think! He’s completely unfocused on any sort of strategy! If his raw power could be harnessed and focused, he would be completely unstoppable!

Fish: He’s already pretty unstoppable, in case you haven’t noticed!

Nuclear81: Oh, you misunderstood me then. If I could harness his power, I would be unstoppable!

JMBB: I’m pretty sure that if you harnessed his power, NATO would have to intervene.

Crowd: 10… 9…

Fish: There goes the crowd again, time for the last combatant to make his appearance.

JMBB: And there is only one guy left in this fight!

Crowd: 8…7…

Fish: And it is…

CrayZ (interrupting): It’s fucking Supermatt!

Crowd: 6…5…

JMBB: Why are you so excited about that?

Rich0: Come on CrayZ! Stop spoiling the surprise.

Crowd: 4…3…

Fish: What surprise?

JMBB: Don’t be thick headed Fish. Clearly Supermatt is the newest King. He gives off vague messages in his promo, no one else joins, then there is only one guy left, I mean just put the pieces together.

Crowd: 2…

Rich0: If you do that again without putting spoiler tags around it, I am seriously banning you.

IWND: Yeah!

Crowd: 1…
User avatar
Longshot
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Favorite Show: Whatever is on.
Know more holds than Y2J?: I know over 1004 holds!

Re: The AF Rumble

PostPosted by Longshot » Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:41 am

CrayZ: It’s time!

IWND: Awwwww snap!

Rich0: Kings will, once again, reign supreme!

Podcast


Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade


(Rich0, CrayZ, and IWND rock their way to the top of the ramp, exchanging high fives all the way while IWND also fist pumps as hard as he possible can.)

Rich0: Uhhh what are you doing?

CrayZ: It looks absolutely ridiculous!

(IWND slaps CrayZ)

IWND: How dare you! This is the official state dance of New Jersey!

CrayZ (muttering): Which somehow doesn’t make it more dignified…

(Supermatt repels onto the stage from the rafters and then strikes a pose where he stands with both hands on his hips, looking off into the distance at nothing in particular. Stagehands drag a huge fan out and turn it on which creates the effect of his cape blowing in the wind.)

Rich0 (grabbing a mic): Ladies, gentlemen, and victims in the ring, allow me to introduce the newest King! He is quite possibly the single most devastating human being ever put on this planet and with him aligning himself with us, our combined force will take this Rumble by storm! His name is Supermatt! And now you’re all going to die! Hit our music so he can enter this event as a King!


Vitamin String Quartet - Through The Fire and Flames


Supermatt: I’ll handle this fellas. No need for you all to continue sullying your hands on this rabble.

IWND: Yeah! Go Supermatt!

CrayZ (elbowing Rich0 in the ribs): See! I told you he would be a great addition! Another great idea brought to you by CrayZ!

(Supermatt begins strutting down the aisle, stopping every so often to pose for fans taking pictures.)

Lord Akiyama (running full sprint at Supermatt): Hold on! Wait wait wait!

Supermatt: Greetings citizen! What can I do for you today?

Lord Akiyama: Will you take a picture with me? This is like the biggest thing to hit the Rumble tonight and if I didn’t somehow commemorate it, I would never forgive myself!

Supermatt: (laughs heartily) Of course I will! I will need a copy of that later so all my superfans can have a fresh new background on their computers!

Lord Akiyama: Ok! Awesome! Just wait! I will get someone to hold the camera! (grabs a nearby fan by the arm) Here! You’ll take the picture won’t you? (shoving the camera into the fan’s hands) Just one picture? Please? Could you take picture of Supermatt and I?

Fan: Jeez, yeah I will take the damn pic! Let go of me! You’re hurting me!

Lord Akiyama: Make sure you get a good one!

(Supermatt and Lord Akiyama take a picture together doing the Supermatt pose. Lord Akiyama snatches his camera back immediately after to review the picture.)

Lord Akiyama: Oh my god! It’s so beautiful! I want to cry! It’s just that glorious! I can’t believe I was here the night that history was made and Supermatt joined the Three Kings! This is the best night ever!

Supermatt: And now it’s time for me to handle some business!

(In the ring, Dancing Queen is becoming increasingly aggravated watching Supermatt strut down the ramp. Finally he slides out of the ring near the announce booth.)

Fish: Oh my god… he’s right there! What should I do JMBB?

JMBB: Don’t move… his visual acuity is based on movement. If we stay still he won’t see us.

Fish: I’m so scared right now.

JMBB: Oh nice reference, why don’t you run around the woods with a crappy handheld camera already!

Fish: What?

JMBB: You Blair Witched it there!

Fish: Well you Jurassic Parked it!

(Dancing Queen seems not to notice the announce team, or anyone at all really except for Supermatt. He walks menacingly toward the entrance ramp as Supermatt is walking down it.)

Supermatt: Well well well! What have we here? It’s the first of the many who will fall to the might of Supermatt and the Three…

(Supermatt is interrupted by the sickening crack of a boot meeting his own skull.)

CrayZ (yelling from the top of the ramp) HA! You’ll have to do better than that! It barely even hurt Supermatt!

JMBB: Contrary to CrayZ’s boasts, that kick looked like it hurt Supermatt pretty badly.

Fish: But look he’s getting back to his feet!

JMBB: No. Dancing Queen is actually dragging him back to a standing position. This is going to get ugly I think.

(Dancing Queen holds Supermatt up and begins delivering a series of knee strikes to his gut.)

Rich0: Oh fucksocks!

IWND: We’re boned. Nice superweapon, CrayZ.

CrayZ: Dammit. This really isn’t going well… only one thing to do at a time like this. (CrayZ pulls out a cigarette, lights it, and starts puffing away.)

IWND: That’s your solution for everything!

CrayZ: It’s a tried and true winner!

Rich0: Now we've got another guy clustering up the floor! All because you wanted to overly complicate things adding another member!

CrayZ: Hey, that could have been you that got mauled by Dancing Queen. What's really important here as that we're okay!

(At the bottom of the ramp, Dancing Queen has grabbed Supermatt by the head and is swinging him into the guardrail.)

JMBB: I’ve gotta hand it to Dancing Queen, when you think he’s delivered the most violent beating you’ve ever seen, he ups the ante and really goes out of his way to demolish an opponent.

Fish: I think I’m going to be sick. This is some Faces of Death worthy stuff right here!

(Dancing Queen finally stops bashing Supermatt into the guardrail, lifts him over his head, and throws him into the ring before climbing in himself.)

JMBB: Well, Supermatt has finally officially entered the Rumble, though not in the fashion he would have preferred.

Fish: Understatement of the year. This is really getting unbearable to watch.

(Dancing Queen grabs Supermatt by the feet and starts lifting him into the air pulling him down and repeatedly slamming him into the turnbuckle as though he were beating a rug. Dancing Queen lifts Supermatt’s seemingly lifeless body into the air and throws him outside the ring to the floor. Supermatt’s body crash lands on the entrance ramp.)

Fish: Oh good, Supermatt has finally been eliminated. I would call it merciful, but really, Supermatt is going to need to be hospitalized after this.

JMBB: But the pain is over for now.

Fish: The inflicting of pain at least.

JMBB: You know, for all the build that they gave him, Supermatt’s appearance in this Rumble was pretty anti-climactic.

Fish: Yeah, I guess so.

JMBB: Also, I STILL haven’t seen him actually hit the Eviscerator!

Dancing Queen: (standing in the middle of the ring) DAHNSHING KWEEEN!

Nuclear81: He’s an absolute force of nature! I’ve never seen such raw, unrestrained power! It’s magnificent!

Fish: And disturbing!

Nuclear81: The mere fact that he is capable of inflicting such carnage makes him the biggest free agent in the game today!

(Inside the ring, Bando, ILMH, and Longshot are back on their feet.)

ILMH: I’ve got it! I should have thought of it before!

(ILMH rolls out of the ring and runs through the crowd, out the emergency exit, and into the alley before disappearing from sight altogether)

Fish: His solution was to escape?

JMBB: Truthfully, sometimes it’s better to live to fight another day.

Bando: Goddammit! (looks at Longshot) It looks like you and I are going to have to take him out because that bastard just ran away!

(Dancing Queen suddenly charges at Bando and Longshot and Yakuza Kicks Longshot.)

Bando: Fuck! Well that settles that!

(Bando rolls out of the ring.)

Bando: I’m out of here. Fuck this noise.

(Bando starts to walk up the ramp, until he notices Supermatt.)

Bando: That’s my fucking cape now!

(Bando grabs Supermatt’s cape and puts it on before walking up the ramp past the Three Kings.)

CrayZ: Hey! That cape isn’t yours!

Bando (turns around and flips CrayZ the bird): Eat shit you fuck. (Bando turns back around and walks out.)

JMBB: Well, I guess that’s all for Bando.

Nuclear81: Dancing Queen is so dominant that they would rather flee than even compete with him! What a competitor!

Fish: Um… yeah… you being a total fanboy for him is getting a bit creepy.

Nuclear81: I am merely scouting talent! I am always looking to expand my group with the strongest fighters around.

JMBB: Well, DQ has now set his sights on Qua Paso.

(Qua Paso is evading an annoyed Dancing Queen all over the ring.)

Fish: Qua Paso is doing better than anyone else we have seen tonight in competing with Dancing Queen.

Nuclear81: Competing? That isn’t competition! He’s just running away!

JMBB: Well, he’s doing it in the ring at least. ILMH and Bando ran away and The Kings are just standing in the ramp with their thumbs up their collective asses.

(The Crowd pops huge)

JMBB: What’s going on? Can we get a camera on what is happening?

(The camera shot scans the crowd and above the crowd, snaking it’s way forward, is a public payphone being carried by a man whose face is obstructed by the phone.)

Fish: Someone is bringing a payphone to the Rumble?

JMBB: I guess the crowd is just getting restless. The Rumble has gotten pretty one-sided.

(The payphone and its carrier make it to the front of the crowd and climb over the guardrail.)

JMBB: Holy shit! It’s ILMH! And he has… that payphone?

Fish: Well, if anyone was going to bring a phone to a fight, it would be him.

(Inside the ring, Dancing Queen finally has caught Qua Paso and is in the process of hitting him with multiple powerbombs.)

JMBB: Well, I’m thinking that after this one, Qua Paso is going to be all out of continues in the Rumble.

Fish: Another Dancing Queen beating is taking place, this time in the form of a vicious Multibomb series.

(After performing five powerbombs on Qua Paso, Dancing Queen finally lifts him up for a final time and hits a running release powerbomb to send him over the top rope to the floor, causing the flimsy bandanna that was barely covering his face to fall off.)

CrayZ: Do you see what I see?!

IWND: Qua Paso got eliminated?

CrayZ: No! Look closer!

(The Three Kings come back down the ramp to investigate.)

Rich0: Hey! That’s Flying Ex!

IWND: He entered again?!

CrayZ: He’s a goddamn cheater! I want security out here right now! Security!

(Three men in Security shirts coming running down the ramp.)

CrayZ: Get him out of here! He’s a cheater and we will deal with him later!

(The security guards drag Flying Ex out of the arena.)

IWND: That was a close one!

Rich0: I know! So close!

CrayZ: Luckily, we were here to put an end to the rule breaking! Good job Kings!

(The Three Kings begin high fiving and patting themselves on the back.)

JMBB: Well… they really didn’t do anything… I mean, he was already eliminated… I don’t think that anything they could do to him will be worse than what Dancing Queen already did.

(Inside the ring, Dancing Queen is also celebrating. His celebration consists of him stomping away at Longshot while yelling his own name. Because of this, ILMH is able to sneak into the ring, with his payphone, undetected by the behemoth.)

Dancing Queen: (while stomping) DAHNSHING KWEEEN! DAHNSHING KWEEN!

ILMH: Hey Dancing Queen!

(Dancing Queen turns to see who dared utter his name, only to be greeted by a public payphone being slammed into his head.)

ILMH: It’s For You!

(ILMH bludgeons Dancing Queen repeatedly and finally knocks the man-beast back against the ropes. ILMH backs up and gets a running start before delivering a final shot from the public payphone, sending Dancing Queen over the top rope and to the floor.)

JMBB: Holy shit!

Fish: Talk about some unwelcome phone charges!

JMBB: ILMH has eliminated Dancing Queen!

Fish: I can’t believe what just happened!

Nuclear81: I can use this to my advantage. (pulls out a walkie talkie and starts yelling into it) Get out here quick! I need the donkey too! Bring rope and get Dancing Queen out of here and to the headquarters! (static garbles back) No! You don’t need anything explained to you! Get your asses out here and pick this titan up and get him out of here before he wakes up and we have to sedate him!

(Several men come scrambling down the ramp way with the donkey in tow. They quickly bind Dancing Queen’s arms and legs before placing him atop the donkey and taking out back up the ramp.)

Nuclear81: It’s all going according to plan now.

Fish: Stop being creepy.

JMBB: Wow! ILMH hit DQ so hard that he actually broke the payphone!

Fish: Dancing Queen had it coming. It feels almost wrong to wish for ILMH to crack someone upside the head with a payphone, but Dancing Queen was out of control.

JMBB: Well, ILMH is going to wish he still had that payphone because here come the wolves to pick the bones.

(The Three Kings climb onto the apron on three different sides. ILMH rolls out of the ring, grabs his rotary phone, and rolls back in.)

IWND: Well, well, well, what have we here?

Rich0: It’s a bit of a bird, with a rotary?

CrayZ: Let’s fuck him up! Three Kings style!

Rich0: How’s that go?

CrayZ: We just rush him all at once and let our sheer numbers overwhelm him.

IWND: Mmmm… okay. I guess we can do that.

Rich0: Well, let’s have at it then.

(IWND, Rich0, and CrayZ begin advancing on ILMH who starts swinging wildly at the three of them, managing only to brush them back without actually making contact.)

JMBB: This is looking like the end for ILMH, he is clearly outmatched by the Three Kings. They just have such a decisive numbers advantage.

(Behind the Three Kings, Longshot rolls out of the ring and grabs a steel folding chair.)

Fish: What was said about turnabout and fair play earlier?

JMBB: Who cares? I think we could see Longshot waffle someone with a chair.

(Inside the ring, ILMH is still swinging furiously at the Three Kings, but not landing a blow. Finally, Rich0 lunges in to draw ILMH’s attention while IWND attacks him from his blindside. The two pummel ILMH to the ground and begin putting the boots to him.)

CrayZ (leaning against the ropes and pulling out a cigarette): Good work men. Time for a few puffs and then I’ll jump in on that stomping business. (CrayZ pats his pockets in search of his lighter) Now where the hell did my lighter get to. (A lighter slides to his feet) Now we’re in business! (CrayZ bends over to pick up the lighter, flicks it, and ignites his cigarette, before taking a puff) Ahhhh, now we’re talking. The return to flavor country! Now, whose lighter did I borrow?

(CrayZ turns around to hand the lighter back to its owner. He is met by the sight a man in a mustached skeleton mask winding up to swing a steel folding chair.)

CrayZ (takes a long drag): Shit…

(Longshot swings hard and cracks CrayZ in the side of his head, launching him over the ropes to the floor.)

JMBB: CrayZ has been eliminated!

Nuclear81: A vicious chairshot from Longshot has put yet another opponent out of this Rumble! With things the way they are he is a shoe in to win, thanks to my expert managerial skills!

Fish: You haven’t done anything to help him… you’ve just been jerking it to the thought of adding Dancing Queen to your stable.

Nuclear81: I’ll have you know that this Rumble has been completely fap-free!

JMBB: And that was officially way more talk about jerking off than ever needed to be mentioned in AF.

Fish: Agreed. Keep that shit to yourself, Nuke. All things considered, if you don’t count his numerous cigarette breaks, CrayZ’s cardio really never was a problem.

JMBB: That’s like saying, if put aside all the famine and genocide, Stalin was a swell guy! I would say that CrayZ spent a solid half of this Rumble smoking! His entire offense consisted of like four CrayZ Cutters and three packs of cigarettes!

Fish: Everything sounds bad when you say it that way!

(Rich0 and IWND, having been alerted to Longshot’s presence by the crash that his steel chair made against CrayZ’s cranium, turn their attention to the masked man.)

Rich0: Well then mate, I think we see our next victim.

IWND: Time for an ass kicking, Asbury Park style!

Rich0: Right… that... Let’s just do this thing.

(IWND and Rich0 begin advancing on Longshot in the exact same way that they used to get the better of ILMH. Longshot begins swinging wildly to counter it.)

Rich0: (dodging) Keep wearing him down!

IWND (dodging): You’re done now Shot! We’re going to break your legs for what you did to CrayZ! Nobody and I mean NOBODY pummels CrayZ except ME!

(IWND lunges in to distract Longshot, but doesn’t make contact. The intended blow is to come from Rich0 from behind. Instead of a blow hitting Longshot, a clunk is heard and Rich0 drops to the mat from a rotary phone shot.)

IWND: Son of a bitch! Well… I’m boned.

(ILMH and Longshot both wind up to bash IWND. Longshot’s swing misses but ILMH’s connects, launching IWND over the ropes and to the floor. Longshot then picks up the prone Rich0 and tosses him over the top ropes.)

Fish: Well, there goes the entirety of The Three Kings. Now we’re down to the final two and surprise, surprise, it’s the two guys who brought weapons to the Rumble. They have to make a rule against this sort of thing in the future.

JMBB: They’re playing by the rules! If you just go and change the rules all of a sudden because a few guys got hurt, it smacks the integrity of the competition right in the face!

Fish: But having two robots in it earlier was okay?

JMBB: Well… no… because fuck robots!

Fish: Way to express that thought coherently.

(Inside the ring, Longshot and ILMH meet in the middle of the ring. Longshot holds his hand out to shake hands, but when ILMH goes to shake his hand, Longshot pulls it back and acts as though he is brushing back his hair before launching into a chairguitar solo. Nonplussed, ILMH slaps Longshot across his masked face before laughing and doing the moonwalk.)

JMBB: Um… what is happening?

Fish: It’s like a game of weird one-upmanship?

Nuclear81: GODDAMMIT! STOP FUCKING AROUND! HIT HIM WITH THE CHAIR!

(Longshot slaps ILMH across the face. The two stand a foot from each other taking turns slapping each other. Finally, after one particularly loud and stinging slap, ILMH holds up a hand to stop Longshot, just before stomping on his left foot, causing Longshot to hop on one foot around the ring. ILMH does the robot to celebrate.)

JMBB: Seriously?

Fish: So, between the two of them, they can eliminate the Three Kings and Dancing Queen, but they just dick around when left to their own devices?

Nuclear81: I need the cattle prod!

JMBB: It wouldn’t be long enough to reach him.

Nuclear81: Then I need a cattle prod with an extension!

(Back inside the ring, Longshot is chasing ILMH around the ring trying to stomp on his foot. ILMH times the chase perfectly, allowing him to jump, turn around and stomp on Longshot’s other foot.)

JMBB: Longshot looks pissed.

Fish: How can you tell? He’s wearing a mask!

JMBB: Well, he has picked his chair back up. This could get serious.

Nuclear81: BRAIN THAT FUCKER!!!

(ILMH combat rolls away from Longshot and picks up his rotary phone in time to deflect a chair shot. The two trade swings back and forth, with neither connecting with a blow. A series of crashes echo throughout the arena as the two continue swinging and deflecting blows with their respective weapons.)

JMBB: It seems like we’ve reached an impasse.

Fish: There really is no clear advantage here!

Nuclear81: SWEEP THE LEG!!!

(Longshot goes for a leg sweep.)

JMBB: Shades of Johnny Lawrence!

(ILMH takes the Crane Stance and kicks Longshot in the face)

Fish: Clearly ILMH has also seen the Karate Kid.

JMBB: Sorry Nuke, you’re no Miyagi.

Nuclear81: He just didn’t do it right! He never does anything right! He’s an eternal fuck up!

(ILMH stomps on Longshot’s chest repeatedly until he decides it's time to make a phone call.)

JMBB: ILMH is dialing up his shot!

(ILMH holds his phone and begins dialing the rotary.)

Fish: It’s really taking him a long time to prep this move.

JMBB: There’s a reason people don’t use rotary phones anymore.

Fish: Yeah! A complete lack of class!

(Longshot stumbles back to his feet on one side of the ring, while on the other, ILMH has finished dialing his rotary phone.)

JMBB: ILMH has “It’s For You” all lined up! If he connects, it could be the end for Longshot and a victory for ILMH!

(Longshot pushes himself back to his feet. ILMH rushes him swinging his phone, but Longshot ducks the swing and runs off the ropes before letting his momentum bring him running back at ILMH. ILMH takes the receiver off the phone and throws it at Longshot, hitting him square in the forehead and staggering the masked man.)

Fish: That was unorthodox to say the least.

JMBB: Incredibly effective though, the momentum changed twice in just a few seconds and ILMH is once again in control.

(ILMH grabs Longshot and whips him into the corner, charging immediately after him and clotheslining him against the turnbuckle. Longshot stumbles two steps out of the corner dazed while ILMH climbs to the top turnbuckle.)

JMBB: High risk move by ILMH coming up here. It’s especially risky considering that all Longshot would have to do here to win is give him a solid shove and ILMH would go flying out of the ring.

Fish: It’s not that risky when you think about it. Longshot is pretty out of it at the moment. He’s been taking a heavy beating from ILMH.

(While on the top turnbuckle, ILMH sticks his pinky and thumb out and holds them to his ear, making it look like he’s on the phone for a second before taking his hand away and opening all his fingers at once as though he dropped the phone.)

ILMH: DROPPED CALL!!!

JMBB: Dropped what?

(ILMH flips off the top rope, grabs Longshot by the head while flipped and drives Longshot’s head onto his shoulder, bouncing Longshot before he collapses to the mat.)

JMBB: Holy shit! The easiest way to describe that move is to say that it was a Blockbuster Stunner!

Fish: I’m receiving word from the back that ILMH calls that move “The Dropped Call.”

JMBB: I call it fucking incredible!

Nuclear81: He literally walked right into that! What a moron!

Fish: He was pretty much out on his feet when ILMH hit that move.

Nuclear81: I don’t want fucking excuses! I want results!

(ILMH lifts Longshot to his feet and starts running him to the ropes with the intention of throwing him over. When they both hit the ropes, Longshot grabs the top rope with both hands causing ILMH to ricochet backwards into a somersault before regaining his footing. Longshot uses the change in momentum to charge ILMH and catch him square in the chest with a flying knee.)

JMBB: Ouch. That’ll crack the ol’ sternum.

Fish: Surprisingly it didn’t knock him off his feet, it just staggered him backwards again. ILMH is showing that Longshot can’t knock him off his… never mind.

JMBB: An enziguri by Longshot has knocked ILMH to the mat! Just like that the tides have turned in the AF Rumble!

Fish: It seemed pretty obvious that ILMH would take the win there, but Longshot just refuses to go away.

(Longshot takes a running start, hops over ILMH’s prone body, moonsaults off the second rope and lands with both feet squarely on ILMH’s chest.)

JMBB: That’s a brutal follow up to that flying knee strike from earlier. Generally a wrestler will try to take away a limb, or work the back or neck of an opponent. Longshot has opted to try to cave ILMH’s chest in. This tactic could result in a collapsed lung or damage to the heart if Longshot is successful in actually cracking his sternum.

Fish: It looks like he’s going for that double stomp moonsault again. If this continues like this, someone might have to throw the towel in for ILMH because Longshot could end his career with attacks like this.

JMBB: Unfortunately, there just isn’t any quit in ILMH so I don't think quitting is on his agenda.

(Longshot goes for the double stomp moonsault again, but ILMH rolls out of the way.)

JMBB: ILMH narrowly avoided a painful fate there, but he isn’t out of the woods yet.

(Longshot pulls ILMH up and begins slugging away with alternating body and head strikes. ILMH suddenly throws an elbow out and catches Longshot in the side of the head, staggering him backwards against the opposite ring ropes.)

Fish: A glancing blow from ILMH has staggered Shot!

JMBB: It looks like he’s going to try and put him over once again!

(ILMH runs full speed at Longshot and clotheslines him over the top rope.)

JMBB: He’s going over!

Fish: He managed to hook an arm on the rope and hang on! He’s on the apron!

(ILMH tries to punch Longshot, but has the punch blocked. Longshot returns the blow and then grabs ILMH.)

Fish: Longshot is going for a suplex from the apron to the floor right in front of us!

JMBB: Bah! This spot never happens, they just tease it! Cut to the chase you assholes!

(Longshot lifts ILMH into the air, but only manages to get him over the ropes and onto the apron to him.)

JMBB: With their current position, they’re both in the Danger Zone!

Fish: Is that a Top Gun reference?

JMBB: …Yes.

Fish: I love that song!

JMBB: What’s not to love about it?

Fish: So which one of them is Val Kilmer and which one is Tom Cruise?

JMBB: I guess that’s what we’ll find out.

(Longshot and ILMH trade punches on the apron with neither gaining a clear advantage. They both back up to opposite ring posts.)

Fish: It looks like they’ve each got something in mind here.

(Both men charge and simultaneously attempt to hit a running big boot on the other. Both kicks connect.)

JMBB: They’re both off balance!

Fish: We could see an elimination here!

(Both men lose their footing.)

Fish: They’re both off their feet!

JMBB: ILMH has the ropes! He’s just hanging from the top rope with his legs dangling!

Fish: Longshot does too! This is crazy!

JMBB: No, he was already eliminated.

ILMH: Seriously?! Why won’t you just die!?

(Both men are dangling over the floor hanging from the top ropes with both arms as the only thing between victory and elimination.)

Voice: Hang on! Get over here dude, I need to commemorate this!

(Lord Akiyama comes racing over, dragging WWEvsTNA.)

Lord Akiyama: Okay, I just came up with the best idea for a picture here! Both of you hold still!

(Lord Akiyama jumps in between ILMH and Longshot, hanging from the top rope in the exact same manner.)

Lord Akiyama: Okay! Take the picture!

(WWEvsTNA sighs deeply before taking the picture. Immediately after the flash goes off, Lord Akiyama drops to the floor.)

Lord Akiyama: Wow! That will be an awesome picture! Man, hanging up there isn’t easy on the arms! (looks over at Longshot and ILMH) You guys know what I mean! It’s tiring! I could just feel my arms burning from the strain of holding myself up! Man, it was rough holding myself up even for that long. I’m glad it’s over though. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great picture and totally worth it, but more work than I normally do for a picture. You know what I mean?

ILMH: Dude, I’m really going to need you to shut the fuck up right now.

Lord Akiyama: Huh? What’d I do?

JMBB: You’re blathering on about how hard it is to hold yourself up when they’ve been killing each other! You didn’t have it rough! Get out of there! You’re ruining the finish!

(Lord Akiyama scurries off dejectedly.)

ILMH: (Looks over at Longshot) Time in!

(Longshot and ILMH both start sidling their way over to each other with malicious intent. ILMH swings over to kick Longshot who absorbs the kick and throws one of his own. The two repeatedly each kicks back and forth with neither man gaining a clear advantage.)

Nuclear81: COME ON SHOT!!! YOU FUCKER!!! KICK HIM OFF YOU WORTHLESS SHIT!

JMBB: He’s right there, that’s really not very encouraging.

Nuclear81: Fuck him and fuck you too! You better fucking win Shot!

(The tension builds as both men begin kicking each other harder and faster, giving it everything they have as each kick saps their strength.)

Fish: They’re really... kicking... it into overdrive here!

JMBB: This is no time for bad puns!

(The kicking slows as each man is at his breaking point and throwing the entirety of his momentum into each kick, hoping beyond hope that the next kick he throws will be the last one, that the next kick will bring him victory.)

JMBB: It’s an absolute battle of wills here!

Fish: They can’t keep going though! There is no way that these two can keep going! They’ve inflicted too much damage on each other and have been fighting with everything they’ve got from this already precarious position for too long!

JMBB: Well spoken Fish, it has all come down to this final showdown!

(ILMH swings himself higher than before, landing both legs on Longshot’s shoulders. He grapevines his legs, smirks and lets go of the top rope.)

Fish: ILMH is making his move!

JMBB: We’re going to see a winner right here! It’s up to Longshot to see if he can shake ILMH off and to the floor!

Fish: Longshot now has to hold his own bodyweight and ILMH’s to avoid elimination because with the way they are positioned there is no way the ILMH will hit the floor before Longshot if they fall together.

(ILMH begins tickling Longshot)

JMBB: Umm... this just got kind of awkward...

Fish: I didn't know that ILMH was Longshot's uncle.

JMBB: What are you talking about?

Fish: My Uncle Bob used to tickle me. Even when I was a teenager he would tickle me. Your uncles never tickled you?

JMBB: No...

(An awkward silence lasts a few seconds in the AF Announce Booth.)

Fish: I miss Uncle Bob.

(Another awkward silence)

Fish: And I miss Marv Albert...

JMBB: Goddammit Fish, get it together!

(ILMH locks in his leg grip tighter. In a move of desperation Longshot lets go with his left arm to try and pry ILMH off.)

JMBB: What a feat of strength!

Fish: He can’t hold that for long though! His rotator cuff might give out before his will does, but unless he can pry ILMH off, it is over.

(Longshot’s right hand begins to slip off the ropes one finger at a time as ILMH tries to use his own body weight to create more momentum to pull Longshot to the floor.)

JMBB: He’s losing his grip!

Nuclear81: Don’t you dare let go!

Fish: It’s looking like it’s over!

(Longshot finally loses his grip and crashes to the floor with ILMH landing on top of him. ILMH rolls to the floor after Longshot has already hit, eliminating Longshot first.)

JMBB: Well there you have it folks! Longshot was eliminated first!

Nuclear81: YOU WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH! YOU HAD ONE FUCKING JOB TO DO AND YOU COULDN’T FUCKING DO IT! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN?!

Fish: Settle down Nuke, it was an incredible effort.

Nuclear81: AN EFFORT? YOU DON’T GET POINTS FOR TRYING! YOU EITHER WIN OR LOSE AND HE’S A FUCKING LOSER! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M FUCKING SURPRISED! WHAT THE FUCK COULD A FUCKING RETARD LIKE YOU WIN?!

JMBB: That’s really a bit much. He was the runner up after all.

Nuclear81: NO! IT’S NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE WHAT A FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT THIS FUCKER IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH TIME I WASTED ON HIM! RUNNER UP? MORE LIKE RUNNER SUCK! THIS MOTHERFU…

(A boot to the face interrupts Nuclear81’s rant, knocking him completely out of his chair. The owner of the boot, picks up the chair and begins smashing Nuclear81 in the head with it repeatedly before JMBB and Fish wrestle the chair away from him.)

ILMH: Oh snap! I’m glad you didn’t have a chair at the end there!

(Longshot takes a few steps away from the beaten body of Nuclear81, stops and thinks for a moment and then reaches back with both hands and begins unlacing his mask.)

Fish: What’s he doing now?!

(Longshot pulls the mask off)

ILMH: Holy shit! He’s transforming! He was a robot in disguise all along!

JMBB: You idiot! He’s unmasking!

ILMH: Oh… Holy shit! He’s unmasking! He was… Longshot all along!

JMBB: You’re a moron. How did you win?

ILMH: I won? Cool.

JMBB: Like I said, moron.

(Longshot walks over to Nuclear81.)

Longshot: Normally this would be the perfect place to just throw my mask at you, but it’s so fucking cool that I can’t even bring myself to. So how about this… (Longshot stomps Nuclear81 once) how about you go eat shit and die. You are literally the worst manager since Jimmy Hart and at least he had the decency to interfere in matches for his guys. My talent was wasted on you, you fuck.

Fish: (To no one in particular) No homo guys, but Longshot is handsome as shit.

JMBB: I don’t think you get to call no homo on that…

Longshot: Fuck it. (Walking away from Nuclear81) I’m getting hammered at the bar down the street. (Looks at ILMH) You want in on that? It’s karaoke and wing night.

ILMH: Sold!

Longshot: Alright, let’s go. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can start drinking.

(Longshot and ILMH start walking up the ramp to leave the arena.)

Voice: Hold the phone everyone! This thing isn’t over yet!


The Lonely Island - Like A Boss


(Chui walks into the arena with a microphone looking ready for business.)

Chui (walking down the ramp as Longshot and ILMH are exiting): Alright I have arrived and am ready to lay down the law. I got here a bit late, but I saw the whole thing!

(Chui enters the ring)

Chui: There was a lot of rule breaking, tom foolery, and shenanigans and that kind of behavior just isn't going to fly!

(A man wearing a Bando mask enters the ring area from the crowd)

Chui: It's a good thing I'm here now though! And... Where is everybody? Was everyone else eliminated? Did I just win?!

(Chui puts both arms in the area in victory. Bando rolls into the ring.)

Man in Bando mask: Ahem

Chui (turning around to face the man in the Bando mask): What are you doing here? Did you come down to congratulate me? I showed up and took this place by storm! Really, they were already gone I guess, but I think I won!

(The man in the Bando mask hands Chui a piece of computer paper)

Image


Chui: No! (Pulls the Bando mask off the man to reveal Bando)

JMBB: Holy fucking shit! It’s fucking Bando! I can’t believe Bando was the man under the Bando mask!

Chui: But you left... you were eliminated...

Bando (putting on a set of brass knuckles): I guess you should have checked your facts before you just waltzed down here and started spouting off about winning.

(Bando punches Chui in the throat, delivering an accessorized Fact Check)

Chui (clutching his throat): cuuuhhhhh

Bando: Game over fucker. And next time anyone asks you who the Boss is... it isn't you, Tony Danza, or fucking Springsteen. It's motherfucking Bando bitch!

(Bando throws Chui over the top rope, eliminating him. He then picks up the microphone Chui dropped.)

Bando: This thing on? Good. I'll keep it short and sweet. Go fucking home before I murder every last one of you. Johnny, if you can hear me, pull the jeep around and grab that sweet cape I... found earlier. You're buying me wings, motherfucker!

Podcast



(Bando drops the mic and exits the ring. He stops, kicks Chui hard in the ribs, and walks out the back of the arena.)

THE END



[spoiler="Final Results"]Image


Disclaimer: No Chui's were harmed in the making of the AF Rumble. A LegendKillerRAB was though...[/spoiler]
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